Net: Happy Reagan’s Birthday, one and all. Today our beloved former president, who braved the Cold War and stayed away from interns, turns 87 years old. Net’s thoughts are with him, and we hope yours are as well, especially in this time of presidential crisis. May your trips to the soon-to-be-renamed Washington airport be kind.And please, remember the good old days — Reagan can’t.In honor of our great, nearly-departed leader, we go on to the mail:
WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, HONEST RON?
From Tigger: Oh mighty Network, I hope this gets printed to show that there are a few of us proud members of the minority out there who are ready to jump to Shawn Fein’s defense. Net: Which minority would that be? We’ve heard that registration in the Nazi party is down … Now, I’m not saying that Clinton should be impeached, but I am proud to say that I didn’t vote for him. Net: Neither did we, unfortunately. NITWIT has uncontrollable ego trips. Assuming that Clinton’s affair did occur, I think the real question is whether or not people want him to be president. If he can’t keep order in his personal life how can he keep order in our country? Net: Ally McBeal is a successful lawyer, and her personal life is crap, so it’s possible. Come to think of it, there might be an opening on the Clinton defense team … I don’t care what people say, virtue and character are qualities that are necessary in a president. Net: Mark Trail for president!! If these allegations are true, these are two qualities that Clinton lacks.
Shawn Fein was merely pointing these facts out and does not deserve the onslaught from all the blind-with-rage liberals out there. Net: We completely agree — seriously. However, does Bill Clinton deserve the onslaught from the media? Do young children deserve a morning TV lineup that includes “He-Man” reruns? Do old people deserve rude waiters and waitresses? Does Jenny McCarthy deserve her breasts? Do the Hanson brothers deserve any measure of fame? And who decided that the Spice Girls could act, anyway? OMIGOD!!! INJUSTICE IS RIFE EVERYWHERE!!!!! I think that the defensive response his letter brought shows how insecure and unsure all the liberals are about Clinton and his future.
From Chet: Is it just me or does Linda Tripp look like a man in drag? Net: No. You do too. That chick is butt-ugly! My theory is that she’s just jealous because Bill wouldn’t give her a hug on national television. Net: Makes you wonder what she wouldn’t give him.
But besides that, so what if he really was jamming Monica Lewinsky? I really don’t give a rat’s ass. Net: Don’t give the president any ideas.And how about all those Republicans? When the puritan Jimmy Carter was in office Net: Wait a minute. Jimmy Carter was no puritan. See Playboy, July 1976, they complained because the economy sucked and some pain-in-the-ass in the Middle East was jerking our chain. By contrast Net: Today the economy’s great and a different pain-in-the-ass in the Middle East is jerking our chain, under Clinton the deficit has been erased, there’s practically no unemployment, and we’re getting ready to vaporize Saddam. Net: Exactly. And still the Republicans whine because Bill likes to “get some lovin'” (allegedly). If that’s the cost of prosperity then the President can star in his own porno movie for all I care. Net: Wait until the subpoenas start rooting out the info.SMOKE SIGNALS
From A Supportive Non-Smoker: It seems pretty clear here that the Marlboro Camel needs to relax a little bit. I myself am not a smoker. I’ve tried it, I didn’t like it, I made the choice to not smoke. Net: Good. You still might get to be president. In my four years of entering and exiting University buildings, the momentary whiff of smoke has never bothered me.
The aroma of cigarettes on someone is far less offensive than that of a person drenched in cheap perfume or cologne. Net: We’d rather smell like a thousand chimneys than a single Michael Jordan jock strap. I think a lot people would agree with me. Besides, I think we can all learn from the interesting sub-culture that is campus smokers. Net: You could say the same thing about the Branch Davidians, and look what happened to them. In a world where you can get shot for asking someone for the time, a smoker can bum a smoke from a fellow butt-head who is usually more than happy to accommodate them Net: Misery loves company and provide fire to complete the process. This lack of selfishness impresses me every time I see it. Net: Smoker 1 — “Hey! I want to die!” Smoker 2 — “Cool — here’s some help!” Additionally, I think we have to admire the persistence and dedication it takes to be a true smoker. Net: Or an ax murderer, for that matter. On a day when every school in Minnesota (except the U) is closed because of record wind chills, one can still pass by a small group of people huddled together for warmth, outside Willey Hall, getting their daily dose of nicotine into their frozen lungs.
Personally, I’ve never loved anything enough to stand outside and let my flesh freeze solid. Net: You’ve obviously never danced with Mr. Brownstone. Addiction? Maybe. But still impressive. So, I say, smoke on, and don’t let the Department of Health get you down — they just don’t understand.
FEEL THE REAL POWER
From Princess of Power: What a bizarre day. I wake up, and first, class is canceled, then I read Network and there’s someone pretending to be me! Net: Happens to us all the time. It would maybe make sense if, say, there were two of us (still annoying). However, she/he said ‘off my soapbox (for now).’ That would obviously make people believe it was me, since I was spouting off the other day.
Weird. Lo que sea. Net: Y hasta luego. Pero, comprenda que tu nombre no es tu possesion solo (oye … no tenemos acentos para las letras). Tenga una buena dia, y ve para princesas falsas!