U needs to find innovative athletics director

To Mark Yudof, University president
From Jim Schortemeyer, sports reporter
Re: Open positions

Well, Mr. Yudof, here we are five months after I applied for the position of men’s athletics director and I understand your search committee has run into a few snags.
One of those key snags is the committee itself has yet to be formed. That’s easy to understand; almost everyone at the University has dealt with bureaucracy and the inertia of trying to get something done around here.
With no committee yet formed, I understand my previous application might have been lost or given to an employee to whom it did not belong.
In that context, I would like to officially reapply for the men’s athletics director position. As per my previous application, you’ll note I’m not a very formal person, so we’ll try to keep this as light as possible. In order to avoid my duplicating my previous application, which I stand behind entirely, I will attempt to answer the question: What can I do for the men’s athletics department?
ù Set new standards. I’d like to tackle some important issues, specifically the value of a goal in hockey. Why can’t it be worth more than one point?
I’m not suggesting a three-point line. The NCAA should raise point values to increase fan interest. Bored with a 2-1 game? Try a 14-7 game on for size. Interest in the sport would be raised, and we could capitalize by selling more Minnesota hockey apparel.

ù Start new sports. While some in the U community will say men’s sports like soccer and rowing deserve varsity status, I’d like to see the University try a different tact.
In conjunction with NASCAR, the University could start a collegiate stock-car racing circuit. Our society has far overlooked the sect that prefers gear shifts and carburetors to balls and bats. In compliance with Title IX, which provides for equal sports for all aspects of our culture, (or something like that — I’m not real clear on that issue) we need to provide for southern culture.

ù Bring back Miles Tarver. My first initiative as athletics director would be to hire Miles Tarver, the ex-men’s basketball player, as an office worker. Miles was a lovable personality who — despite his tendency to skip his homework — could liven this place up again.
Who could forget Miles at his most endearing moments? There was the time he referred to the Gophers as the Titanic, or the occasions he attempted to shoot from outside 10 feet. Miles could really liven up a room, and maybe he’ll energize our athletics department once again.
If the search committee is ever formed, I think these ideas and my many others are clearly a step beyond what anyone else will come up with. I understand the University is in no apparent rush to form a committee.
Heck, it’s only been five months since ex men’s athletics director Mark Dienhart left. And with the economy still booming, I can see it would be difficult to find someone willing to take a job that pays a pittance of six figures.
But I feel that I am more than qualified for the position and chock-full of good ideas to carry the men’s athletics department into the 21st century — assuming a committee is ever formed.

Give my best to the wife and kids,
Jim Schortemeyer

P.S. Clem says the check cleared.

Jim Schortemeyer is the sports editor and welcomes comments at [email protected]