ANNOUNCING …

Net: As the MSA season comes upon us, we’d like to announce the addition of a Network Political Correspondent to our staff. We’re proud to have this individual on our staff, and look forward to entries throughout the race. Here’s our first commentary:

TODAY’S CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

From The Network Political Correspondent: The first and altogether underwhelming moves have been made by this year’s MSA presidential/vice-presidential candidates. Here’s how the tickets stand currently:
Pres/VP: Altaf/Hsu.
Highlight: Attractive Surge -green campaign color.
Lowlight: Bland signs without content.
Comment: Maybe humorless signs were a condition for being funded by the College Republicans. Net: Perhaps they were afraid the swastikas would send out the wrong message.

Pres/VP: Kubista/Ferguson.
Highlight: President’s name reminds me of Kobayashi.
Lowlight: General inactivity.
Comment: Doing nothing didn’t work for Shemon and Strid last year. Net: Hey, man, they kept their integrity.

Pres/VP: Miller/Sanders.
Highlight: The “Miller Time” sign — obvious — but worth doing.
Lowlight: The “Our Pain is Your Pleasure” sign.
Comment: Is listing the VP first on a sign indicative of a weak pres? Net: No. But if the first name is Hillary, watch out.

Pres/VP: Nicholson/Anderson.
Highlight: High sign variety.
Lowlight: Many of the signs are really bad (The Spice Girls?!?). Net: For those of you who don’t realize us regularly, the Spice Girls remind us of Descartes.
Comment: Congrats on seizing yellow for your color — it won last year.
Next Time: The platform analysis.

From People of the World: I write to express the pain I felt upon digesting the crap deposited upon the beloved Network by the asinine fool otherwise known as Thea. Net: We’ll be OK — we’re just wondering why you chose a Spice Girls reference for your name. Hmmm … political infiltration. We think, therefore … Up to the point when I read that crap, I had been under the impression that our beloved University was RAISING its admission standards; Thea has gone to painfully great lengths to disprove this theory. Any intelligent form of life that finds itself “rolling on the ground laughing” at a damn MSA poster Net: We laugh so that we may not weep need not only be expelled from this institution, but also dragged out into the street and pulverized with grapeshot. Net: Wow. A Civil War buff. To paraphrase the posters in question: I, for one, would take great pleasure in causing pain to any individual exhibiting that amount of emotion upon looking at any damn poster. Net: We don’t know what kind of posters you have, but we go ga-ga for Ethel Merman.
Thea, now that our beloved University is being encouraged to abandon its experimental “dog labs,” Net: What!?!? When did CLA get the ax?!?! you may finally be able to validate your pathetic existence by donating your body and mind to scientific research. Net: Marilyn Carroll is waiting for you. Last time I checked, it took more than a cheesy poster to get a dog to roll.
Peace out.

FRATERNITY LETTERS

Net: Today we received several letters attacking fraternities. Here they are, edited down so that you, our readers, only have to read the sections that contain wit, insight and intellectual substance:

Thank you.

NEXT TOPIC

From Cold Piece: A good buddy of mine is turning 21 soon and, being the frugal college student I hopelessly try to be, my question is, where is the best place to take this birthday boy for a full night of drunkenness? Net: You take em to Ralph’s, which is on Fourth Street in Moorhead, Minn., just across the bridge from Fargo and just across the street from Kirby’s, “The Corner That Rocks.” Say hi to Stacy, and trust us, it’s worth the gas money short of taking him across the big river to Hudson. Net: Yup. Definitely Ralph’s. North Dakota is much classier.
Also, Cartman/Kenny for MSA — ya got my vote. Net: We sense some momentum here. Who will it be? The four candidates eruditely outlined above? Cartman/Kenny, the favorite sons of The Pizza Club for Studs? NITWIT? Only time, and U, will tell. Stay tuned, stay turned on, and drop out of the day with us. Just once. It feels good.