Before we begin today’s omnipotent forum, we would like to introduce a new (OK, old) topic to Net: drunken antics. It’s summer (no sh!t, Sherlock), and we know people are out there having sex on the mall, puking on cars and buying Big Macs. So come on, Networkia, let us have it! What have you done this summer? Yngwie, we’re not expecting to hear from you.
MOM’S A WHORE
From King Sausage: Heh, heh, heh, heh … Net: Muh hahahahahahahaha. I see in your responses to my letter, almighty Net, that you ask me if I kiss my mother with this filthy mouth of mine. Of course not! Net: You don’t kiss your mother? Psycho. But I do, however, kiss YOUR mother with it …. Net: We make no bones about it. Our mom is a crack whore down on Hennepin. Fifth-grade humor aside for the moment, let me open up a topic for discussion. Net: We already did that. Drunken antics, people! The education system in America sucks ass! Did anybody out there learn anything even remotely important during K-12? Net: Don’t screw with Ross Knutson. He’s a bad man. Schools don’t teach people what they need to know in order to become an informed public …. They exist to brainwash our children into becoming a “proper” work force! Net: Seig heil! Installing into our minds that we won’t truly LIVE until we waste away behind a desk … our only refuge going home, plopping our fat asses onto the couch and marking the days on our calendars until the next pathetic straight-to-video Police Academy sequel. Net: Believe it or not, we agree with you. Whoa … Dammit, people! Net: Get a job! Don’t let the flawed education system enslave our minds any longer! Net: Get married; start a family! Make the change; break the chains! Net: Specialize! Refuse to specialize! Net: Get really drunk and tell us about it! Don’t major in anything; doing so will only allow you to be trained as part of this robotic work force! Net: FREE PUFFY! Oh come on, you saw THAT one coming a mile away. Learn to construct your own house, bake your own bread and sew your own clothes! Net: Smell like crap; live in Alberta! Most importantly, rid yourself of your outdated currency by sending it to King Sausage! Net: That says it all. All hail King Sausage!!! Net: Andnowwegottago.
COMMODORE 64
From Phlegm of Discontent: I need help and not psychiatric help because all of the shrinks refuse to take my case. Net: Whoooaaaa boy. Here we go. I am in need of a new assistant, and I’m too cheap to buy space in the classifieds. My current lab assistant, Bobo the lab monkey, is quite inferior. He botches critical experiments, and he spends way too much time getting it on with the female lab monkeys. Net: You’re gonna fire a monkey for that? They ain’t nothin’ but mammals. By all rights, he should be the experiment, not the experimenter.
Whoever gets the job will be paid the standard wage, a crate of bananas and will be dubbed Velocity Boy. Net: Don’t all clamor to write in for this position. He or she will be in charge of shooting Bobo into space or out of cannons. Other duties include dodging animal feces, making mint juleps for my minions and the occasional foot massage for me. Net: Phlegm, we love ya, but every now and then, you gotta shut off Dungeons and Dragons and go outside. Some of the perks are genetically engineered superpowers and a box of cheesy Goldfish crackers. Must be enthusiastic and have experience with radioactive materials. Flexible hours as long as they are from 4 a.m. to 2 p.m. Apply today!
SALMONELLA!
From Enola Malone: Dear Network, I find it ironic, if not tragic, that the great dairy states of Minnesota and Wisconsin, and even our own land-grant University, have done so little to pioneer development of new approaches to dairy science. Net: Like milking rats? By definition, all mammals give milk, some more and some less, and no doubt the spectrum of flavors, texture and nutritional value far exceeds the narrow range of currently available samples from cows, goats, sheep, camels, horses and yaks. Net: Not to mention humans. Consider the marketing possibilities:
ùThe Earthy Flavors: Mole, shrew or pig milk shakes
ù Nutty but Nice: Squirrel ‘n’ monkey ice cream
ù Rhinoceros, whale and fur-seal skim milk
ù Makes Betty’s Batter Better: Bat butter
ù The Fruitier Frappe: Gorilla, gibbon or baboon yogurt
ù You’ll Howl with Delight: Wolf, coyote, hyena or dog whipped cream
ù Sink Your Teeth Into It: Beaver, bear or weasel cheese
Net: We should note before this thing starts that every now and then we get a diatribe. This is one of those. It’s edited down to make funny words and more coherent sentences. Checkitout.
GENOMES SUCK
From Chaos: Dear Daily, I have not heard teenagers are treated with cyber-porn and control, much like “The Matrix.”
Given three technologies each linked through today’s hearing aide, they have discovered ways to make cells turn on and off, which is the basic structure in computers. Since we have already mastered the basics of masturbation, small devices that could do “simple” tasks by today’s standards still have the same roots as computers.
These two together don’t suggest anything too concrete. But now, take into the account of the mapping of the human genome. Since the date of Milli Vanilli, 1989, our technology has been growing at an exponential rate; this is a first big food. But, can he/she behave like a person normally behaves. Artificial intelligence is beginning to develop, too; making a person seems an easy leap.
Net: And so on and so on. Sorry about that entry folks. We’ll try and drum up some letters from people who haven’t been playing Castlevania for the past 14 years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Whoa, look at the time! Time to go pick up Ma down at the Gopher Motel. CYABYE
