Net: A friend in ne…

Net: A friend in need is a friend indeed, so said some old bag in the street we came across once. Sheesh … she was a loopy one and reeked of Braunschweiger to boot. Anyway, it seems as though an old friend has seen fit to pop his noggin through our cyber-porthole and give us an ol’ howdy-do.
His groveling, as you will surely see, grew tiresome — much like promos enticing us to tune in to the mind-bogglingly exciting debut of “It’s Like, You Know.” We’d rather go to a steak feed with Matt Bullard.
At any rate, we were wondering when the little guy would show up. Since his … resignation? … we’ve been floating aimlessly on the sea of sarcasm. Or something like that.
LIKE SOME CHEESE
WITH YOUR WHINE?
From the Minister of Concurrence: Net: Is it just us or do we hear “Fanfare for the Common Man” playing off in the distance? Oh! Hello! Hello, everybody!
Sorry I’ve been kind of scarce lately, but since I was, erm … how shall we say … de-POSED? Or — Re-LIEVED? Yes, relieved — of my duties, you see; Net: Minister, we should not have to remind you that you are barred from discussing the terms of your … absence? … in a public forum. These matters are better reserved for our weekly coffee klatch at the local Denny’s. I’ve been having quite the time, yes! Took a little tour of East Timor — a surly bunch thereabouts, to be sure — spent some time in Canada … Canada! They have their own road signs and everything Net: Even a military? And a system of taxation? And a prime minister? Oh, Canada … open your doors, for we are coming home and … met “Julie” from the Love Boat at a book signing … Net: We always found her a bit wenchy. Our tastes ran more to the nutty hijinks of Gopher and Isaac the bartender. And then there was the slut … Doc. Oh, Doc … you were such a tease.
OH, NETWORK, I MISS YOU SO MUCH (sob*blubber) … PLEASE TAKE ME BACK! PLEEAASE! I’M GOING CRAZY WITHOUT ROLLERDIVA, AND TIGGS, AND THAT HORRIBLE WEEPEEPEE, AND … Net: Ho-hum.
Sorry. Sorry, I know — I’m groveling. But I’m JUST SO BORED! OH GOD, TAKE ME BACK! A-HUUUUHN HUUUNNNNHH, OH PLEEEAAASSSE …! Net: Yawn.
Sorry. (*Sniffle*). I just … I just get so lonely up here on the North Ridge, with no solace but in my very good friend Regis Philbin Net: How could you just leave out Kathie Lee like that? And Frank? And Cody? And that attractive single producer guy with the headphones and the sleek Miami Vice style? “Live” is more than just Regis — it’s an international phenomenon! on the TV, and, of course, the occasional visit from Citizen. Now that King T is defeated, he’s got a milk route, and even though I’m lactose intolerant, he comes around …
OH, DOESN’T ANYONE NEED A MINISTER OF CONCURRENCE? SOMEONE TO AGREE WITH THEM ON THOSE COLD, LONELY NIGHTS? WHY DID YOU FIRE ME, NETWORK … WHY?! Net: Sigh.
Sorry — GAD! I know. I know. Sorry. Listen, I know you’ve gone in another direction, Net, but … but … maybe some Networkians remember the poor, lonely Minister? Perhaps they would, you know, drop me a line from time to time — I could even hand them off to you, Net, just like old times?
Yngwie? Phlegm?
Roller? I have stirrups!
Anyone?
Net: Minister, we’ve been through this before. First, the EEOC hearings. Then the arbitration. And then your pitiful attempt at bringing this matter before the Duluth Chamber of Commerce. We’ve cried so many tears, you and we. You really should know better.
Your … banishment? … from Networkia was a necessity. Your penchant for civil disobedience and general unruliness at times proved damaging to our gentle society. Your … exile? … was a measure aimed at stifling a Networkian uprising. Indeed, your … unfrocking? … was done for the good of all.
But as all who enter Networkia know, Net is a benevolent and understanding entity. It is understanding, after all, that makes it possible for an entity like us to tolerate a Minister like yourself.
Therefore, if indeed you are prepared to repent and enter into a new life of servitude and undying devotion to your Net, we will consider revocation of your … dethronement? … and welcome you again into our enchanted hamlet.
To that end,
HEAR YE, HEAR YE — In the matter of Minister of Concurrence vs. All That is Decent and Holy, the following is entered into public record:
WHEREAS the Minister has applied for re-entry to the sacred land of Networkia, where the beer flows like wine and members of the opposite sex are near-always somewhat above average, and
WHEREAS Net is a kind and benevolent entity, sensitive to the needs and wants of all Networkians, present and former, regardless of race, color, creed and collective intelligence,
WHEREAS Net is willing at times to defer its considerable decision-making power to those who populate its kingdom, as woeful and sorry a lot though they may be,
LET IT BE KNOWN that on this date, the Twentieth of September in the Year of Our Net Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Nine, a hearing to determine the future of said Minister shall begin and not extend beyond a third sunset.
If you desire an audience with the Net, we nobly serve at your disposal:
ALL THOSE IN FAVOR of granting the return of said Minister shall make their feelings known to Net forthwith, in the heretofore accepted and continually convenient fashion, and
ALL THOSE OPPOSED to allowing said Minister to again tread upon our hallowed grounds shall do the same.
The Minister shall not be allowed to speak in his own defense, however, so his fate rests in your hands, Networkia. Underestimate not the importance of your duty, but rather give it the attention it so richly merits.
Let’s get it on.