A rare form of elephantitis egosis has infected nearly every employee of The Minnesota Daily staff, forcing the student newspaper to rent out another building to contain its own swollen collective ego.
Specialists at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta cite “unmitigated references to the Daily in its own news stories” as the cause of the outbreak. Some have speculated the rash of swollen heads was triggered by the Daily’s recent Centennial Series, a collection of stories written by, about and for Daily staff and alumni.
“This dramatic rise in the frequency of self-references (in the Daily) is cause for serious concern,” said University President Mark Yudof. “We need to ask the Legislature for funding to study this grave situation.”
For now, experts say the situation is under control. Physicians say the temporary extension connected to the back of the building should contain the outbreak for the time being. But for Daily staffers, the future is uncertain at best.
The Minnesota Daily was forced to lease the temporary extension after employees complained that constant headaches and back pains were hindering work. Physicians contacted by the Daily World News said the pains are probably a result of staffers’ swollen heads.
“Often, when the head swells to twice its normal size, the victim finds it difficult to navigate hallways and close quarters without bumping into things,” said Dr. Jeffery Trang, a specialist in cranial ergonomics at the Mayo Institute.
“The victim is unable to stop smashing his head into things because he is not used to the new size,” Trang continued. “Eventually, the victims will get used to their new crainial volume and adjust their workspaces and lifestyles to accommodate the gigantic size of their heads.”
But that’s small consolation to battered and bruised staffers who are all asking the same question: How did it get this far gone?
“We try to spot cases like this before they get to this point,” said Dr. Greg Lanky, an epidemiologist at CDC.
“Normally, college newspapers are simply suppressed by the administration for a few days, and the symptoms disappear,” Lanky said. “In this case, though, the outbreak spread so fast we were not able to circumvent this terrible tragedy.
“No one should have to endure a grueling 17 self-references in one story,” Lanky added.
Former journalism major Matt “Fatty” Arbuckle said he’s not too surprised by the development.
“I heard about this condition when I was pre-med,” Arbuckle said. “The unfortunate thing is that there’s not really a cure. These Dailyites will probably be forever doomed smacking their noggins against each other in press conferences and media vans.”
Other experts are not so pessimistic.
“The only true cure is to inject a sense of humility into the staff,” Lanky said. “Normally, we prescribe waiting in line for seven hours for a Britney Spears show or, in extreme cases, John Tesh.”
“But the Daily is the grimmest case I’ve seen yet. It’s spooky in there. Everyone walking around, uncomfortable, picking fights and just generally being jerks to one another. Ironically, the only staffer who seems to be unaffected by the outbreak is the editor of Network, Net: We’ve always sucked. We know that but he never comes in the building, so I guess it makes sense.”

Daisy Xerxes welcomes swollen comments at her e-mail address, which you better know by now.