TOMMY CAN YOU FEEL …

TOMMY CAN YOU FEEL ME

From Sister Xena: Hi Net! Net: Hey, Xena … would you happen to know if Gabrielle is free tonight? I’m writing to dispel some myths about the latest “boycott Tommy Hilfiger” effort. Signs have been popping up around campus accusing Hilfiger of making racist remarks on the Oprah Winfrey show and calling for a boycott of his products. Now, I myself could care less about the ubiquitous red, white and blue clothing, Net: Uh-huh. Hey, your altruism is showing yet I feel it’s my duty to reassure all you Tommy boys (and girls) out there that this is a pure urban legend that has been circulating the Internet for almost two years. Tommy Hilfiger has never appeared on Oprah and has never made racist remarks in public. Net: The mewling hordes of Gatesian world-domination have been known, however, to don ELECTRIC BLUE COLUMBIA JACKETS. Do not — we repeat, DO NOT — give in to their requests to “use your e-mail” or “buy you a drink.” Thank-you.

BANAL BORDER BANTER
From GreenGopher: In response to Classy Gal‘s letter on the Vikings, I am a freshman at the University and I’m from Wisconsin. Net: WHY YOU LITTLE Don’t hound me yet. Net: Ooo … sorry. I am very impressed with the Minnesota Vikings; although I hate to say it, they are the best team in the NFL. What I am not impressed with are the bandwagon fans that come along with them. Net: Welcome to Minnesota. Here’s your parka, your lutefisk and your Vikings flag. Now hop on. Was it not just over a year ago that the Green Bay fans turned the dome into home away from home?
Even at the beginning of this season the TV lounge in Sanford Hall was half empty for Vikings games, but now when they go 15-1 (plus a playoff victory) there are Vikings fans everywhere. I understand that with success many fans jump on with the team, but I don’t know if there was ever a bandwagon as full as the one here in Minnesota.
Net: As we wish to retain our neutrality, it is still increasingly difficult for us to reconcile the “bandwagon fan” lament. Unlike Packers, Bears or (soon to return) Browns fans, Minnesotans are scrupulous about their exuberance — they wait for a reason to get excited (as they are not naturally an excitable bunch). Why should they support a team that sucks? (SEE: Empty seats at Twins games.) So we say, onward bandwagon — there’s room aplenty!

From Purple Pride Baby: I am just writing in response to the Packers fan who wrote in on Thursday. I have to compliment him Net: Her on his Net: HER ability to represent all Packers fans across the nation. All Packers fans, of course, are complete morons. I have lived here for two years now, but I lived in Wisconsin before that, where I was able to witness the raving band of morons known as Packers fans. It was not easy growing up there being a Vikings fan; I was actually booed out of class once. But now my team is on top, and the Packers aren’t.
Maybe those of us who bleed purple are acting a bit immaturely, but who cares!?!? Packers fans are rather pathetic themselves. I can recall one day in the middle of July when the front page article on the Milwaukee Journal proclaimed “Favre Loses Wallet!!” I just about threw up. Who [email protected]*##in’ cares?!?! Net: … Brett …? And as for calling Randy Moss a criminal, let’s examine Brett Favre for a second. Hmmm, addicted to drugs, an alcoholic, half of his family is in jail and a brain that serves the same purpose as Jerry Ball’s stomach: nothing. Oh yeah — free agency — I’m scared; unlike the mentally dysfunctional Packers, the Vikings organization likes to resign its key free agents. But why would someone of such low intelligence notice that? He Net: SHE!!! was probably busy looking for Favre’s wallet.

TENNIS EVERYONE?
Net: File this one with the “message” section of the City Pages personals.
From RT: I love playing tennis but it seems no one here plays at all. I was at the upper gym working out at the Rec Center Monday from 3 p.m. to 4 p.m. and I noticed someone with a white “Tennis 1-2-3, USTA” T-shirt. He was 5’9″ with short dark hair and a reddish-brown patch of hair in the front. I meant to ask if he wanted to play, but he was gone before I had a chance. Net: Admit it, punchy — you didn’t have the guts! I know this isn’t as important as a lost wallet posting, Net: Just ask Brett Favre but I have the winter blues and really wanna play tennis, so if he’s reading this, have him e-mail me! Thanks!
Net: Will any tennis player do? Or does it have to be Pepe Le Redpatch? Is ‘playing tennis’ some sort of euphemistic code word? We’ll assume not … write us, Arthur Ashes of the campus … maybe we’ll start an Uppity Racquet Club for you.

PROSTI-UTES

From Paladin: Today Net: OK, maybe several days ago; hey, we’re a little behind the Salt Lake City Olympic committee (previously accused of bribery and whatnot) has been accused of hiring prostitutes to seal the deal for the 2002 Olympics with the international Olympic committee. Net: All RIGHT! Now if we could just get the summer Olympics in Vegas …
Since this scandal now involves public officials and sex, all further investigation must immediately be dropped so that “healing” can begin. Net: You mean, like, with the antibiotics and stuff? I mean, what are we, a bunch of Puritans? So what if consensual sex by a public official occurred with a subordinate in the American people’s oval office while conducting official business? Err, scratch that, I mean: So what if consensual sex by a public official occurred involving the transaction of money? We do the American people a great disservice airing such salacious details. WHO WILL SAVE THE CHILDREN?! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!! Net: Yes! Preserve prostitution for the future of all generations! PS: To the guy in the office across from the ME 308 computer lab that posted on his door the completely fabricated, Internet-driven rumor of Ken Starr’s Puritanical comments during an interview that never happened: Please check your sources. Thanks.