U ‘broker than Russia,’ applies for student fees

With the University’s financial resources and support from the state Legislature dwindling faster than an incoming freshman’s hopes of graduating in four years, the Board of Regents signed the University up as a student group Friday, making themselves eligible for Student Services Fees.

“First of all,” said Regents Chairman Michael O’Keefe, “that lede is way too long. It’s a muddled run-on sentence and I have no idea what you’re trying to say.

“And that’s really indicative of why we’ve made this decision: Every report we’ve seen on the University’s fiscal position has been poor. Sometimes, like in this case, it’s just poorly written. Other times, it’s so well done, it shows incontrovertibly that we’re broker than Russia. Arthur Andersen couldn’t put a big enough spin on this. Seriously, it’s so bad, the only way to successfully cook our books would be to put them on a stick, shove ’em into a bonfire and eat them.”

The unprecedented move included a preliminary Student Services Fees Request, which the regents finalized, considered and voted to accept, even though it was turned in eight months late. The request is centered around estimates of how little the Legislature will give a damn about students the next time they are in session and take time out to focus on something other than the pros and cons of fireworks sales.

“Let’s see,” said University chief financial officer Richard Pfutzensomethingorother, as he sat down to figure out the request’s final numbers at the regents’ meeting. “At $1.1 billion, that works out to Ö Jeebus. OK, so let me get this straight: We’re asking for $27,500 from each student in fees money?”

He paused to look up into the board’s unblinking, shark-like stare.

“You people suck,” he concluded.

“So it’s settled, then,” said another regent, whose name a Minnesota Daily reporter did not think you’d really care to know. Honestly, does it matter to you? Aside from the guy in the beginning of the story, can you name one regent? This Daily reporter didn’t think so. And frankly, he’s surprised you’ve read this far.

Anyway, they voted unanimously to approve it.

Reactions from members of several University student groups were disapproving.

“Just what we need,” said Christian Conservative, who is one of three members of the Silent Majority student group, to which this year’s fees committee allocated a can of soda. “Another liberal student group. Does this group have a College of Conservative Arts? No. But I notice they make plenty of room for Liberal Arts. It’s sickening. I can’t wait to watch all you commies burn in hell.”

Student representative to the board Lakeesha Ransom told the regents she’s sure students would feel this is a perfectly acceptable move.

“It’s like when I said the tuition increase was a good idea,” Ransom said. “I’m a student. I know how we think, and I’m telling you, they’ll love the spirit of ingenuity we’ve displayed here and they’ll just be happy such an enlightened group of people are looking out for their interests.

“And let me just say,” she yammered, “I’m so very pleased to have the privilege of representing so accurately the interests of University students.”

“I hate you,” replied every University student on campus.

Members of this year’s Student Services Fees Committee were guardedly optimistic about next year’s committee’s ability to handle such a large request.

“It certainly will be difficult for them,” said subcommittee six member Buck Samuelson. “Especially when you consider that the committee rarely has more than a cursory grasp of ‘finances,’ as it were. Personally, I was a little disappointed this year’s requests didn’t have more pictures. I know I speak for many of my colleagues when I say we’re really not into dealing with ‘numbers’ so much.”

Thor came here tonight to hear the crowd go Boom. Shake, shake, shake the room.