The boozehound’s guide to love

How to bed that special anyone you've had your lazy eye on all evening.

Martina Marosi

 

Since the beginning of time, or at least happy hour, bars have been the source of man’s greatest joys and sorrows.

Whether you’re nursing a beer at the counter, gripping a sweaty mojito while losing it on the dance floor or just stirrin’ up some moonshine in the cellar for the big hootenanny tonight âÄî all of our ceremonial drinking behaviors form what is a complex mating ritual replete with infinite fumbles and likewise foibles.

The inebriated conversational dance between a loud talker and his or her disinterested listener is a couple steps in the right direction. But when you’re drunk, horny and reasonably self-assured, all you need is a decent partner for that late-night horizontal tango. Here’s a step-by-stumble guide to get you into somebody’s pants by the end of the night even if you can hardly take off your own.

1. Oral hygiene and conduct

As a general rule, it’s usually better to hold off on vomiting all over your companion until at least the second date. Sometimes the acidic offense cannot be avoided, but even when it can, there is a mouthful of other potential snafus that can tangle your tongue when you’re trying to spit some game.

a. How to manhandle your words

A high-energy social atmosphere has the magical ability to transform mild-mannered working men and women into loudmouthed attention whores.

When the marketplace is flooded with inferior products, don’t concern yourself with standing out by being even louder than everyone around you.

Everyone can tell you about the bar-side brohemian pounding his chest and guffawing into an invisible megaphone over some mediocre tittie joke the chubby friend in the group just told. Don’t be that guy.

b. The chewing gum solution

You may have thought that when you were talking to that fine gina over there you were some Big Boi, but your breath is straight up Stankonia.

After a night of boozing and smoking, halitosis has a habit of unrolling its sleeping bag and camping out on your tongue. Ward off this unfortunate affliction by packing some Trident or Wrigley’s. Offer the object of your advances some and take advantage of the opportunity to show off your oral prowess. If you’re going for a real conversation piece, buy Mentos and wait for the âÄúFreshmakerâÄù references to float into your rapport. Expect to get laid immediately.

2. Pockets, purses and preparedness

It’s important to pack light when making the rounds. You know those men and women you see quickly shuffling to downtown bars with no coats or pants on at 11 p.m. in the dead of winter? They have the right idea. They foresee that they will get so hammered they a) will forget key clothing items at the bar and b) won’t even be able to feel their arms and legs anyway.

Speaking of foresight: Always pack adequate, if not pre-calculated, cab fare. Go ahead and crack a Jackson into its smaller bill forms so you can have every little booty-chasin’ detail squared away before you’re three sheets to the wind.

Do you really want to make that special âÄî if only for tonight âÄî someone wait to do the down n’ dirty because you’re calculating the tip and dropping change all over the taxi floor?

3. Protection

Your barroom performance was solid. Transportation to the home of choice went smoothly. You may or may not have the home-field advantage. No parties involved are currently suffering from the heartbreak of whiskey dick or plastered poon-tang. But before you can seal the deal, it’s time to seal the deal.

Maybe either one of you have had the same condom lingering around in your purse or nightstand since 1972, just in case the opportunity came along. Ladies love vintage. Don’t get caught unawares and end up with some one-night-stand baby that may appear on Maury and you can only grow to love after decades of suppressing that you once had dreams.

But once everybody’s all strapped in, remember how drunk you are, how much sex you are about to have and how much you will regret it in the morning.