Gophers mascot unleashes his inner beastiality

Chuck Butters

News of the University closing fell hard on many, but hit Goldy Gopher, the school’s longest-running employee, the hardest.
Goldy left school grounds in a rage Wednesday evening after news of the closing leaked out. Making his way out of Morrill Hall, the gopher knocked over lamps and threw over office chairs.
Colleagues said Goldy was angered most by the University’s general negligence regarding Y2K and the decision to lengthen cheerleaders’ skirts.
Although obviously upset and disturbed, Goldy attended the men’s hockey exhibition game Wednesday night.
Goldy broke from his usual well-behaved cheering and turned his anger and apparent animal perversion on the crowd.
As the teams warmed up, Goldy began molesting fans visiting from Norway. Security guards said the foreigners played along until it became obvious that the 6-foot-1 Chewbacca look-alike wasn’t playing around and intended to mount several fans sitting nearest the ice.
“Eat me, eat me,” fans heard him cheer. Again, wanting to play along, the Norwegians picked up the chant and filled the arena. “Love these turds,” was among the other cheers Goldy started that night.
On the second chorus of “turds,” security personnel nabbed Goldy, who was pulled out of the arena cursing with rabid foam oozing from the corners of his gaping maw.
Stuffed-animal fallout
When University spokesman J.P. Toejam was questioned yesterday regarding Goldy’s savage behavior, he was hard pressed to explain.
Toejam and his staff developed only one theory that held weight: Goldy had become a “power mascot.”
The gorilla-sized furball had developed a rock-star status that gave him free rein to University resources and major influence over people employed or related to the school.
“It was this sudden fall from fame that probably cracked him,” said professor of psychology Haklem Jiznits.
The mascot amassed a sizable fortune by investing his savings. In 1991 he got lucky in the stock market and his savings ballooned to more than $100 million. His status on campus grew even more.
Urged by a huge, enthusiastic fan base, the University began granting the stuffed animal more privileges. In 1992, Goldy was given an honorary degree (animal husbandry), provided with a vehicle (Cavalier) and a chauffeur (Mr. Lester Mayo), and given his own live-in cheerleading squad.
Many believe it was the limber girls in short skirts that inflated his ego and gave him his superstar status among his peers.
“That Gopher was stacked,” said Bucky the Badger, Wisconsin’s mascot. “His word was law.”
Since his hockey game outburst and yesterday’s press release, Goldy has considered offers at other schools, but it’s very unlikely that he’ll enjoy the same status as he did at the University.
“Listen, you journalist a**hole, back the f**k off,” said Goldy. “I’m still the baddest motherf**ker at the University.”
Goldy was unwilling to confirm which job offers he is considering.

Chuck Butters covers stuffed animals and animal husbandry. He welcomes comments in person at 1289 Ramoina Ave., Apt. 10.