AND WHEN WE THINK ABOUT YOU
From John: A few hours ago, my roommate walked in on me while I was in an intimate moment with someone.
Namely, myself. I had the magazine laid out on the bed and everything. Man, I hate jeans. Net: But we bet you would have loved to have had them on at that moment.
They take so long to pull up. I think I could have avoided embarrassment if I had been wearing soccer shorts, my usual summertime attire. But today was laundry day and, as luck would have it, it was also the day they replaced all the washing machines, so I was a little short on shorts until they finished installing the new machines.
Net: We have no sympathy. As the Good Book says, “Be ye not like Onan, who spilled his seed on the ground.” (We said we had no sympathy. We are very pleased, however, to be able to make an Onan reference. Not many chances to do that.)
Needless to say, my roommate laughed harder than I had ever seen anyone laugh. My nakedness was (technically) concealed when he walked in, so I knew he wasn’t laughing at me. He certainly wasn’t laughing with me, though, that’s for sure. He stayed in the room a lot longer than he needed to pick up his wallet, gratuitously prolonging my embarrassment. And what’s worse, he picked up my magazine, examined it, asked where I got it, and suggested some Web sites.
Maybe I should go back to performing my duties at my old haunt, the library.
Net: That was YOU!?!? Hey — wanna go out for tea sometime?
Or maybe I should get a girlfriend. Whaddaya think?
Net: Well, we don’t want to suggest any Web sites, as that would take away from your time on Daily Online. Maybe a few listens to “Darling Nikki,” a cold shower and a few hours with the book of Leviticus could tide you over. Let us know how it works out. And next time, lock your damn door.
REVISED EDITION
From The Dirty Old Man: Gosh, I’m really flattered you printed my poem about tailgating drivers. Net: It’s summer. We’re desperate for material.
But I want to resubmit my version, unabridged. The first two lines should read:
Other lanes are open, and it would be easy to pass
But these brain-dead drivers would rather crawl up my ass.
The submitted version had “tailpipe” in it for more sensitive readers.
Net: Uh, thanks. Good thing the anthology wasn’t out yet. You saved us a lot in printing costs. And that’s it for our time in ink today, folks. We’ll be right back atcha more than soon enough.
TODAY’S CONSPIRACY THEORY
From The Snorkeling Seahorse: I just thought I would help everyone out and answer the ever-perplexing question about where University Dining Services gets its food. Net: We heard they were hijacking food meant for the sub-Saharan region, and let us tell you, Sally Struthers is PISSED.
If you’ve noticed, they are holding a food drive from July 13-31. Net: Notice the palindromic numerals.
It is obvious to me that this “food drive” is actually the way the dining service gets its food provisions for the year. What a shrewd attempt by the U to save money!
We shouldn’t stand for this. Student action groups: Mount up. We’ve got a battle of intergalactic importance to wage.
Net: We think you might be a little caught in your own rhetoric here. The amount of food they’ll collect just isn’t enough to feed the student body all year, not unless Jesus has been put in charge of the loaves and fishes. Still, we’ve got to put in our plug. For less than the price of a cup of coffee … it doesn’t hurt to give, folks. And today’s your last chance. Go forth, and be fruitful.
