Love ’em or hate …

Love ’em or hate ’em, you gotta admit — those Public Service Announcements can be darn useful. It’s the Net community, reaching out — to tell ya the truth, it just about moves NITWIT to tears. Here’s some more helpful information to help you make it through your day.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
From Parking Demon: As a public service to beleaguered parkers, I would like to offer this small bit of knowledge Net: And remember, knowledge is power: Contract Lot C-72 (corner of University Avenue and Ontario) is open to guerrilla parking. Net: Translation. Cuban revolutionaries get a discount. Hasta la victoria siempre! There is a card access for legitimate contract holders, but others can simply drive over the curb (which is easy to do, due to snow build-up) and into the lot.
Many vehicles using this method have created a nice pathway. Since Parking Services does not issue hangtags anymore (they think the card access users don’t need them) there is no way for them to tell legit vehicles from non-legit ones! Net: Hmmm … very interesting. If anyone wants to try this out, let us know how it goes, ‘k? Thanks.

From Eric: Hello everyone out there. I understand that sometimes Network connects people with lost items. I found a brownish-gray mitten with a brown suede (I’ll assume I spelled that correctly) cover over the palm.
If this sounds familiar Net: And if the glove is actually yours — remember, if the glove don’t fit, you don’t get it, have the friendly people at Network give you my e-mail address. Bye!

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER BIKER
From Huffy: Alas, after this week’s weather and a few minor spills I have been forced to hang up my slush guard and krypto-lock, forever doomed to walk among the masses. Net: Take heart, Huffy. You need only walk until the snow melts, which, the way it feels right now, is only possibly until never.
Unable to wield mechanical advantage with reckless abandon, I blend seemlessly as I trod in step with the shoe dependent fools around me. The poor things, so used to plodding forward that they didn’t even notice the superior being in their midst — a fallen biker.
So here I am, a former superhuman, 15 minutes less rested, condemned for three months to walk with a backpack over one shoulder Net: You might want to try both shoulders. It’s more ergonomically correct, and a green piece of kryptonite snow around my neck. Net: Are you sure that’s not a Surge promotion?
You know what they say, “‘Tis better to have biked and fallen, then to be a whiny snivelling pedestrian…”
SOUND AD-VICE
From Awed By the Concept: The ad for the University Dining Services at the Carlson School of Management does not say they feature healthy salads, delicious sandwiches, or even a rump roast the size of Mark Yudof’s butt. No, the ad says they feature “six different branded concepts.” Is this for when a tattoo is simply not enough? Net: No, it’s so you have a choice of design when the Carlson anti-Christ puts the sign of the beast on your forehead. Get with it! Next …

From Captain Planet: Why is MPIRG handing out hundreds of slips of paper to increase student awareness of their latest cause? Net: So they can increase student awareness of their latest cause? As concerned as my friends and I are about the environment, we find MPIRG’s attempt a little ironic. Net: Everyone, all together — “It’s like RAY-E-AIN, on your wedding day …” Just walk through the Washington Avenue Bridge tunnel — the ground is plastered with those little yellow slips just yards from where MPIRG was handing them out! Net: Well — don’t you want the squirrels to know what’s going on with MPIRG?
Come on, people! Net: Smile on your brother. Everybody get together, try to love one another right now. Find a less wasteful way to promote awareness; the trees will thank you for it.
FRESHMAN LOSES VIRGINITY!
From Deflowered: Hello, Network! This is the first time I’ve ever written in, Net: Welcome — but beware. The first time usually hurts but I’ve noticed something odd in my first quarter and two weeks here at the U. Net: Ah, a new student. Pray tell, what earth-shattering news shall you share?
The efficiency and accuracy of the offices here is terrible!!! Net: Omigod! You’re right! Has anyone else here ever been frustrated by University bureaucracy?!?!? You may be on to something.
Once, I asked the man at the main information desk at financial aid where the office of a certain woman (head of financial aid, nonetheless) was located. After the gears in his head turned for a minute or two, he told me he didn’t know, and handed me a number so I could stand in line for an hour before being sent to another general office. Net: Psst. That’s why we have directories and the Internet. They help you avoid real people — always the safest way to attend the U.
Since then, I’ve had many other not-so-great experiences with the O.S.F.A., but I figured it was just the financial aid office. Until this week. I had been trying for almost a month with no luck to contact my voice coach to arrange my weekly lesson. Second week into the quarter, and I had only spoken with him once. Somehow I lost his campus office number, so I called Ferguson to find out that they had no record of him, or of the woman with whom he shares an office in Ferguson Hall! Net: Sounds like squirrel abduction to us. Are you sure you didn’t just wander over from Augsburg and called U numbers by mistake? The secretary suggested that I call campus info, which also informed me that my T.A. and his co-worker did not exist. Everyone, share your stories of the horribly inefficient bureaucracy on campus! Net: Actually, a few well-placed rocks in windows would be more effective (p.s.: We’re just joking, and we refuse to be held responsible for any waves of violence we may incite). Stand up to the man!