Greeks to buy U land in attempt to take over campus

Woody Woodward

Several University fraternities and sororities announced a plan Sunday to buy the land under campus buildings and lease the facilities back to the University.

“This will allow us to ensure the University maintains these facilities and uses them appropriately,” said Sigma Theta Delta spokesman I.T. Dorksendweebs. “I mean, look around. This campus looks like the STD house after our PSEO initiation party.”

University chief financial officer Richard Pfutzenreuter said the fraternities are judging the University too harshly.

“Construction takes lots of Goldys in the bank, if you catch my drift,” he said. “It’s not like the University’s mommy and daddy send it a check whenever it needs some scratch.”

The University’s mommy declined to comment, but its daddy said he has always been disappointed by it.

“Why can’t you be like your brother Harvard?” he said. “Even your cousin is a pharmaceutical lab. University could never just settle down and decide what it wanted to be.”

Pfutzenreuter declined to say who the University’s daddy is.

“Those tests were inconclusive,” Pfutzenreuter said. “Whenever anyone asks me that, I know the University can never answer, and it makes me sad. Then I go home and eat some maroon and gold ice cream, have a good cry and watch ‘Autumn in New York.'”

Sigma Epsilon Xena President Ima Vailable said the University will be held strictly to the terms of the leases on the buildings.

“The whole professor talking thing makes my head hurt. That’s so over,” she said. “And those textbooks? Please! Shoulder cramps and paper cuts. Like, gag me with a prereq!”

She then informed this reporter he was “kind of cute” and that she hoped he would “give me the best headline you’ve ever given, baby.”

(Editor’s Note: This reporter is not at all cute, and any headline he gives tends to be short and unexciting.)

“We want to make education more relevant to students,” Dorksendweebs said. “Like, how come my roommate can do a kegstand and still win at freshman roulette, but if I do it, I spend the rest of the night trying to take hits from the floor lamp? Tell me there’s not a chemistry or medicine professor who can explain that.”

He said the lease terms would also require the University to light its buildings with cheap plastic lanterns and replace all desks with beanbag chairs and crushed-velvet loveseats.

“The ‘U’ always complains about attendance,” Dorksendweebs said. “We’ve got your attendance right here. Hey, did you know I’m a warlock?”

Vailable said the University would be required to host Martini Mondays and Tequila Tuesdays to help students recover from the weekend.

“We’re willing to negotiate on Wacky Tobacky Wednesday-Thursday,” she said. “But Monday? That’s a deal-breaker like I’m a home-wrecker.”

Woody Woodward welcomes his Pulitzer at his summer cottage by the impound lot. You got to stop the presses before the presses stop you!