>I’m sick of all you campus whiners bitching about the election. It’s over, your guy lost. Now suck it up and move on. I used to read Network before class and almost always had to suppress a chuckle or a grin. Now I read it and have to suppress my gag reflex lest I hurl on my shoes. Net: Now you know how the rest of your class feels when it sees you come in every day. Yes, the future of Network and the very future of Networkia looks grim indeed. It’s fading into an oblivion inspired by Michael Moore, fed by his ignorant wallowers (sorry, FOLLOWERS), and consumed by an unreasoning hate for the majority of America. Net: Angry liberals like Moore don’t have the guts to hate the United States. That’s right, the majority! Why can’t Network get back to the stuff that really matters, like Ninjas, Pirates, haikus, and why CLA sucks? Do it for our sake, do it for Networkia. Net: Win one for the Gipper.
Lowly earthlings, This political discussion bores me. Rather than get involved in another whiny, baseless discussion of issues the average is not capable of grasping, I have decided that it is my mandate as a supreme entity to, as you pink-faced little simians are so fond of saying, “boil it down for you”: A) 70% of Bush voters believe that there is “clear evidence” that Saddam Hussein was involved in the attacks of September 11th B) 33% of Bush voters believe that weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq C) Amazingly, more than a third believe that a substantial majority of world opinion supported the U.S.-led invasion. I’ll pause while your puny craniums attempt full comprehension of these indisputable facts, and then I will deliver, in another application of a charming earth phrase, “the straight poop.” Ready? Bush is dumb – real dumb. Not dumb enough, however, not to be able to manipulate a majority of the American voting public into thinking he is anything other than the glad-handing, illegitimate halfwit that he is, pushing and preaching intolerance, irresponsibility and ignorance of world affairs. Now, Kerry is boring and perhaps even a shill to public opinion, but I will sit and wait while you attempt to come up with a reasonable explanation for why public opinion has no place in White House policy decisions. You can’t? Quelle surprise. Now, if these immutable truths aren’t concrete enough for you, let me just finish this with a string of other truths, though truths that some pundits might have you file under opinions: Joe Lieberman is a Republican, Jesse Ventura is back on the ‘roids, Karl Rove is still mad that no girl would go to the dance with him in high school, Condi Rice is a dirty little war monger, Pat Buchanan is fun to drink with, Jon Stewart is a minor deity, if you wear a bowtie, you are a Republican, and a dipNUTT, Rick Santorum played with Barbies as a child… alone, if Colin Powell were a cheese, he would be swiss, if Paul Wolfowitz were a soldier, we would be dead, Al Sharpton should be President, Dick Cheney is actually Katie Holmes’ father (look at the side of the mouth talking), for once, Pat Robertson had (briefly) the moral high ground; when this happens in a dispute with the President something is wrong, and fasten your seatbelts, Republicans – you are going to lose next time. Big. If there are any further arguments on the sides of the neo-morons, send them to Darren Bernard, it’ll be a welcome distraction from pasting Ann Coulter’s head onto internet nudie shots (don’t think I can’t see you, Bernard – and get a haircut!). I’m out like trees in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Net: Not to quibble, but it’s really more the caribou than the trees that are at issue in the wildlife refuge.