Net: Well, happy Friday, Networkians, and good morrow.
Today we send you off into the ether, one year of Network none the wiser, wesupposes.
There’s always been so much we wished to tell you and yet … your letters just screamed to be published.
Alas, our hope for another chance dims daily; the King of Terror has all but foiled NITWIT’s cleverest maneuvers, and the moment of Obsequian control looms unthinkably near.
And where is Citizen? He was last spotted near eastern riverbanks, hastily mustering a battery of forces that have since disbanded. But that was many, many turns ago.
So it is the child — unaccompanied and ensconced in a secret hideaway — upon whom we must rely for deliverance from T. Will her Commodore 64 reveal the number prime … in time?
Do not forsake us for the summer, Networkians. Seek Citizen — who seeks to End Construction … he might be our only hope.
Away, to the letters.
PARTING SHOTS
From rock=w=music: Well, another year, another, 10 grand shot up the @$$. Net: Ten Grand? Yer not from around here, eh rock? I’m sittin’ here thinking about how the world is going to end in July, and what the hell this life is all for. I haven’t got a summer job, or a crib for next year, and there are no (un)lucky ladies in my life. If everything doesn’t go as planned and King T doesn’t strike, Net: Don’t count on it I hope to see everyone who is not graduating back here, and like 50 million smiley freshman wandering aimlessly like we all once did.
From WeePeePee (the hack formerly known as Peewee): Well, it’s been a helluva year, and before we all depart back to our own little corners of the globe, I would like to muster what few brain cells I didn’t drown in Iron City Light beer in order to say a word or two to some people out there: To the various campus janitors who clean the men’s rooms, I’m sorry — I have a problem and I realize this now. To all the people who gots a problem with my diatribes in this section, all I have to say is that if you thought I was bad, just wait. I got a thesaurus from my grandma for Arbor Day. Net: Oh, great. On second thought, bring it on King T. To the good people of Mt. Dew, and the Crystal Meth house over on Larpenteur, thanks for getting me through another year awake. To that girl in Hist. 5347 who sits in row three, seat six, I promise not to sit in the bushes outside your window anymore. To my frat boyz, keep on keepin’ on like the sexist, elitist, conformist pigs that I know and love ya to be. Net: Now the cat’s out of the bag, Pee … Frat Boys Exposed!! Finally to my W.E.P. date over this Memorial Day Weekend — you are the QUEEN! Next year I’ll bring Pink Floyd C.D.’s. This is WeePeePee sign-didley-ining off for the year.
From Phlegm of Discontent: Is it wrong to want to French kiss a nun? Net: Not a French nun … Maybe it’s just that after several years of Catholic schooling, some part of me still yearns to be slapped by a ruler. Or maybe I’m just going sane. My head has been a little muddled since I rammed my Bike of Doom headlong into a pedestrian after turning my head to admire a pretty girl. Net: We’re just glad you’re not hurt. Before the other guy could get up and beat the tar out of me, I picked up my bike and my stogie and rushed off to the nearest Vegan rally. There, I slaughtered a live cow, ground it up, and threw the hamburger on the crowd. I still had work to do, so I hopped into my ’73 Gas Guzzler to get some more Mountain Dew. Net: Mountain Dew is moonshine. Look it up. Wouldn’t you know, Mountain Dew is illegal on this Coke-ified campus and some University thug started hassling me about it. So I had my winged monkeys take care of him. Now, I have my Dew, my side of beef, and I still have those Indian burial trees for kindling. I think it’s time for a barbecue. Net: We’ll invite Roller & Sasstress and turn it into a regular wang-dang-doodle. Dress smart. Have a great, global-warming-enhanced summer.
From Pixee: Just thought I’d add some Network etiquette for the regulars (and newcoming *ugh* freshmen) to uphold for next year: Net: Wouldn’t it make more sense to do this at the beginning of fall? Oh well … we’ll go with it.
1. Bash Rollerdiva incessantly if she doth return to haunt us all.
2. Grace us with epiphanies related to cafeterias, squirrels and psychedelic drug experiences.
3. Five words: Brown nose the omnipotent ones. Net: Speak it sister. We love to be … erm … stroked.
4. Arrange a cute acronym for a fictitious army to stomp out Obsequians and the dreaded King T (that is, if they don’t attack soon …)
5. Bitch about Campus Connector drivers, strange men in computer labs, mall evangelists and the goddamn construction soon to begin on the union.
That’s all. Network, kick back and get a tan for me. I’m albino. Net: Consider us tanning.
SASS OFF TO ME ONE MORE TIME
From Rollerdiva: Let me set the N(h)ot One straight, who should know much much much better then to incite the fury of a hot chick. Net: Bad idea. I woke up this morning after a midweek frolic through several bars with none other than the lady of the hour, Infinity Sasstress. Being drunk in the A.M. makes for a happy girl until she happens across the Net, where some total piece of trailer trash is dishing out dastardly dirt on her best party pal! So N(h)ot one, I have but two things to enlighten your crusty, shagless ass … If there is only one word in the English language world WORTHY of being used to describe the luscious and creamy Infinity Sasstress, it is indeed SASSY!!! Her wicked word-wielding tongue will whip you and all of your buddies from Fargo into obedience. You know that the only wrath scarier, more life threatening, and more terrifying then the wrath of one hot female in a mini-skirt and stiletto heels is the wrath of two!
Net: And so it ends. *Sniff* Bye bye Roller.
Bye Pee, Phlegm, Pix, Star and Todd … bye Mule, K & Mulad, and rock … Yngwie, Sasstress … and anyone who ever graced our memory banks with your harangue. We have but one wish for you all … Happy Summer.
Onward?
