Net: You know what made last night’s debacle worth watching? TV news folk scrambling to come up with worthwhile content. Watching Tom Brokaw struggle to stay conscious at about 4 a.m. brought a smile to our admittedly boozed-up face. There is something very satisfying about watching broadcast bastards squirm:
Tom Brokaw: “Well (5 second pause) this certainly is something (10 second pause). Let’s talk to the presidential historian Sue Johnson again. Sue? (10 second pause)”
Sue: “Yeah, this sure is something. (5 second pause) So, Tom, have you ever seen anything like this?”
Tom Brokaw: *head snaps back to attention* “nUh Á yeah, this really is something.”
(repeat ad infinitum)
From Weforgot: Hello there. I think I speak for most sane people when I say “AAAAGGHHHH!” Here’s some haiku for this occasion …
Recount in Florida Net: 6 syllables. First warningWho will win the election?
Bush a scary man.
If George Dubyah wins
I must pack my bags and move
Away to Egypt.
Bite my fingernails
Pace the floor of my room the
Suspense is killing me. Net: 6 syllables. YOU LOSE!
I sincerely hope all the Net supporters aren’t the reason the popular vote seems to be swinging toward this man. Net: We stole votes from everybody. Literally, we actually went to the polls and stole votes If he is elected because of Net stealing votes from the other eligible candidates, I will blame you for eternity, Net. But I still love you.
From Abbey Someone: Once again, Network is in dire need of my insight on a few issues.
Issue 1: My nomination list for Net’s running mate reads as follows: 1. Miles Tarver Net: No 2. Rerun from “What’s Happening” Net: No 3. The Green Lantern Net: Worst superhero EVER
Issue 2: Closed circuit to all the Ralph Nader supporters: Your guy got 3 percent of the vote. My balls could have run on the single-issue platform of legalizing child pornography, and they still would have gotten more than 3 percent. You stupid bastards.
Issue 3: The Bizarro comic is not funny. Net: Luckily, Duplex supplies more than enough laughs for an entire day of wacky hilarity I laughed more at “Shindlers List” than I ever have at this piece of NUT.
Issue 4: Is it just me, or does the Goldie Gopher cut-out in the windows of the campus connectors look like he’s waving with one hand, and beating off with the other. “Is there something you would like to share with the rest of us Amazing Larry?” Net: Is this your homework, Larry?
From IZNERZ: Well, Network we may be going to hell in a handbasket with the Dubya getting ‘lected, but a more important debate has been forever settled. CNN has declared “Oregon and Wisconsin are irrelevant.” Enough said. Net: Did we really need to hear it from them?
From Diva of Delights: Wassup Net? In my experience with long distance relationships, they don’t work. During my freshman year, I had a man at one of those lame-ass state schools Net: One of those crappy land-grant Universities? who, apparently, dug me a lot more than I dug him. He’d come up on the weekends and attempt to ruin my social life! So I ditched him after he gave me that whole “I love you” schpeal. Net: You foul temptress! Did I cheat on him? Well, let’s not discuss that … Net: It’s OK, all girls experiment with lesbianism in college Á it’s completely normal There’s a first and a last time for everything and, to make a long story short, I was being comforted after a friend of mine died Net: in bed? … I regret anything I did (which wasn’t much) and I’d never do that kind of shizzat again. But now I’ve got me a sexy, smart, sweet, and totally hilarious U of M guy. Net: He’s gay and is dating your father, sorry to break it to ya (They do exist, believe it or not!) He knows my friends, I know his friends, we party together, we hang out together, and we can see each other every day (if time permits). Plus, I wasn’t nearly as frightened when he ‘fessed his everlasting love for me (ain’t that sweet?).
So don’t let your college days pass you by because the “love of your life” is in another state. Net: Especially if they are in Wisconsin Go out, have fun, and keep your eyes peeled for that special someone who’s waiting for you. If you’re truly meant to be with your honey, try taking a break and picking it up after you graduate. Live, love, and seize every moment! (God, I feel like Dr. Date!)
Net: And now for a special Net Thursday feature, we present page ones from yesterday that never ran! (You see, to save time and effort, we created a separate page one for EACH possible election outcome)