Net: Happy Groundho…

Net: Happy Groundhog Day, one and all!

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SCUM

From Shawn Fein: Hey Wake Up Call, I think you’re stuck in one of those dreams where you wake up from a dream in your dream, so you’re still dreaming — you just think you’re not. Net: Got that? Wake us when it’s over.
I just don’t understand how you could possibly think that these allegations against President Clinton are unimportant. You say it doesn’t make a difference what he does in his personal life on how effectively he can lead the country. How can you say that???
Don’t character and virtue have anything to do with capability to lead a country? Net: We don’t know. Ask Pol Pot. It may be idealistic to expect virtue from a politician, but character still matters. And if the president of the United States is a sleaze bucket, it should damn well be printed in big, bold letters on the front page so morons like you would “wake up” and see the error of his ways. Net: THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS A SLEAZE BUCKET. (Oops. We’re not the front page. Oh well. Nobody said the Daily was perfect.) Get rid of the bastard!! Clinton has been under indictment more than any president in the history of the United States, and still people don’t care. Net: Sure they do. They’re just part of the conspiracy.
I think that people should voice their opinion against all of the bullshit going on in the White House. Take back your government, and exercise your right to impeach a leader whom you feel is not competent to do the job. Net: But what if people do think he’s competent? We’ve just argued in a circle. Thanks for letting me spew a little venom, Network. Net: No problem. Now — if you can tell us who killed Vince Foster, then you will have done a real public service. Have a patriotic day!

From A Friend of Seuss: Here’s a new Dr. Seuss tale:
Mr. Starr: Starr I are. I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see. Did you grope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her in your house? Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Mr. Clinton: I did not do that here or there. I did not do that anywhere! I did not do that near or far. I did not do that Starr you are!
Mr. Starr: Did you smile? Did you flirt? Did you peek beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie when called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton: I do not like you Starr you are. I think that you have gone too far. I will not answer any more. Perhaps I will go start a war! The public’s easy to distract, when bombs are falling on Iraq!

WHAT’S UP, TRIPPIN’ DOC?
From Type-B Semislacker Ph.D. Candidate: I was perusing the January issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association during my lunch hour yesterday and came across an article that haunted me for the next 24 hours. The article stated that research reveals the entrance requirements for Medical School tend to select for rather than against students with high degrees of compulsiveness, narcissistic tendencies and the tendency to be motivated to succeed by an irrational fear of failure. Net: Of course — how else are doctors going to be like all the medical types on TV? In layman’s terms, the REALLY TYPE-A folks get in, and the more obnoxiously type A the person is, the more likely they are to succeed once there. On the downside, Type-A people tend to have a 20 percent greater chance of “snapping” and turning to maladaptive behaviors such as sex and drug addictions Net: So — what are the maladaptive behaviors? to cope with the stress. In distilling that down, I come away with the message that lots of doctors are walking time bombs, ready to freak out at a moment’s notice from all that competition. Net: And in that manner they remain role models. God bless ’em. They actually had data to prove that a larger number of medical students end up abusing opiates and seeking psychiatric help than one would see proportionately in the rest of the population. They weren’t sure what to attribute that to, but I’ll be assessing the size of my doctor’s pupils the next time I go in for a strep culture — it can’t all be an access thing.

MILES AND MILES AND MILES

From Amendment One: Imagine, if you will, a purely hypothetical situation. Let’s say there is a certain basketball player, call him Marver, and his coach, just call him Coach. Nah. Let’s call him something really creative, like coach Taskins. Yeah — that’s clever. Now let’s say that Marver, being the team clown that he is, made some funny comments to a reporter after a loss in, let’s say Motown. Coach Net: Taskins didn’t think it was funny and stripped Marver of his right to speak to the press. Truly a travesty. Net: Yeah. That’s really breaking a barrier. What kind of egomaniac would do something like that? But this is why I write.
You, the hypothetical fans of Marver, can protest and help restore his freedom of speech by purchasing an album I just released. The proceeds go to the “When Marver was in Coach’s Land, Let our Marver Speak Foundation.” The background music is from Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.”
Here is a verse from “U Can’t Stop Him”:
Everytime you see him, Marver’s just so hype.
He’s Gold on the court, and he’s magic with the mike.
Now why would Coach ever make him stop doing this?
With Sammy breaking records, he just don’t miss.
He’s toured around the conference, from Iowa to Pa.
Where it’s Marver go Marver, it’s Marver yo Marver
Ya’ll know the man can play.
U can’t stop him (O O O O O O O) U can’t stop him …
You can only hope to contain … U CAN’T STOP HIM. Net: Catchy. Just as long as you don’t include the baggy trousers, we’ll support you. Hasta la vista, heads …