Net: We fielded man…

Net: We fielded many replies on behalf of SassAppeal and his lamentable plight involving vulturous meter folk. In fact, there were simply too many to share. Because most of them offered some decent advice, they were forwarded to the Sassy one for his perusal via Pony Express. But we felt compelled to run the following, mostly in the interests of public service. Clip and save.
TO LIE AND CHEAT IS SWEET
From The Parking Meter Bandito: Being an expert on the subject, I have given much thought in making an instructional video on the subject to sell via infomercials; however, my heart went out to SassAppeal in her Net: BZZZZZT. Why is it that anyone who isn’t afraid to show a little sass is somehow assumed to be a woman? Sassy men of Networkia unite! Stop wearing the white undershirt, unbutton that Abercrombie flannel down to your sternum and flaunt your sassiness! Your impudence is applauded! efforts to stick it to the man, so I am offering, free of charge, for the benefit of the entire University community my guide to:
HOW TO GET OUT OF A PARKING TICKET (or at least get your fine reduced):
1. Wait about 2 weeks for a notice for your parking violation to come in the mail. Net: In the meantime, bake cookies and think deep thoughts, such as, “So, was ‘Wendy’ Dave Thomas’ daughter or something?”
2. Go down to the Hennepin County Government Center (downtown Minneapolis). Net: It’s right next to that wretched hive of scum and villainy, our wicked neighbor of the west. Indeed, we write of City Hall. And you thought we meant the Star Tribune.
3. Go to the violations bureau and wait in the extremely long line with lots of smelly people — your comrades! Net: Some people might call that a drag. We call it registration.
4. When you get to the front of the line 30 to 45 minutes later, tell the person behind the desk that you would like to speak to a “hearings officer” — aka “the man.” Net: Don’t be afraid to refer to said officer as “gov-nuh.” They’ll think you’re quirky and cute.
5. From here, you will be ushered into a small room full of your comrades (the smelly people). Net: This might be a good time to debut that interpretive dance routine you’ve been working on.
6. Forty-five minutes to an hour later, your name will be called to finally see your hearings officer. Net: Sneaking a fiver into his/her hand during the handshake will work wonders.
Now listen up close, kids, because here is where you finally stick it to ’em.
7. Here you will be asked to justify your actions. My fail-safe excuse for this situation goes something like this: Parking tickets are issued to the owner of the car, not necessarily the person who caused the said violation(s). Therefore, the most valid excuse is to shift the blame to someone else — friend, roommate, favorite Simpson’s character, etc. Net: Ahh, yes … everyone loves a loophole. In Net’s Guide to Fun Things To Do When You’re Pissed Off at the Government, “taking advantage of the system” is second only to “fudging on your taxes.” “Stripping nude during a tour of the White House” is a highly underrated third.
Explain to the hearings officer how you loaned your car to someone else who denies all knowledge of receiving any parking tickets, and you know that you would never consciously violate any of this wonderful city’s parking ordinances (right?). By lying through your teeth, the hearings officer will most likely reason that there is no way to prove you are guilty beyond a reasonable doubt Net: If the ticket does not fit, you must acquit. Or something like that. of any parking violations and will reduce your fine if not clear you of any wrongdoing altogether.
Warning: Do not abuse this power. You may only use this option six or seven times Net: The same rules apply when it comes to kicking cats. before they catch on and/or begin to recognize you. If this happens, any hope of GO WITH THE JUNIOR MINTS
negotiations will cease, and you will be ordered to pay the full amount of the fine. This might result in many unpaid tickets, a severe debt to the state and warrants for your arrest. Gotta go … I think I hear sirens.

From Peewee — now with flavinoids for added minty freshness: So I saw a really kick-a$$ movie over the weekend, but since the first rule is that you do not talk about it, I kept my mouth shut. Net: We wish people would follow said rule during the film. Then we wouldn’t miss the part about finding the little bloody body parts wrapped in the shirt because we were busy berating the 15-year-old double-daters who were deep in conversation HORRIBLE U
about which is better — Sno-Caps or Sour Patch Kids. Damn teenagers. Then I thought, aww, what the hell, I’ll tell you all about it. But THEN I remembered that the “second” rule is that YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. So I can’t … sorry.

From Phlegm of Discontent: In light of the difficulties in getting from point A to point B on this campus, I think it’s high time we rename some of the main roads and walkways. Net: A good rule of thumb: When confusion reigns, change everything. For instance, Pleasant Street becomes Unpleasant Street. Washington Avenue becomes Washingthebloodoffthe Avenue. Church Street becomes Church-of-Satan Street. Northrop Mall obviously becomes Northrop Hell. I could think of more, except it’s 9 a.m., and I really shouldn’t be awake until noon. Net: Why stop with the roads? In keeping with your well-timed Halloween theme, we would suggest Coffin Union, Karloff Hall, Ogre Hall, Morbid Hall, Killsbury Hall, Hate Lab, and, of course, Beastcliff.
Coincidence? We think not.