SPEAK NOW, OR FOREVER
HOLD YOUR PIECE
From Eliot Lippe: Net: Our apologies to young Eliot, an uptight ignoramus though he may be, for the unfortunate misspelling of his name yesterday. We can’t tell you how many times we’ve received mail addressed to “Net, Righteous Commander of All Things Slippery But Otherwise Holy,” when in fact “but” should not be capitalized. “Joy! Joy! Sweet Baby Jesus Joy! Ha!” These are the sentiments that have been clumsily bounding through my brain ever since I opened my beloved Net and discovered that many a folk, especially a certain Vther Pendragon, did not think too highly of Eliot Lippe‘s Net: Be warned: Writing in the third person is the first sign of the slow, debilitating walk toward wackiness criticism in his letter to the editor about the vulgar Gary Coleman dream. Net: And the ensuing vulgar Gary Coleman letter to the editor. Why does this excite me so? Net: Because you’re bathing in crushed cantaloupe this very moment? Because it just so happens that Lippe, crafty and duplicitous as he is, actually authored the Gary Coleman dream — that’s right, he is Panda Horror. Net: AAAAAHHHHH!! And to think we jaunted merrily along, innocent as a supple flower in a sunny meadow, only to be railroaded in such a heinous way! Networkia weeps many a beery tear! Ha! Ha! Ha! You see, it was all an elaborate game: Lippe, who never grows tired of seeing his words in print, felt the Net was becoming a bit stale thanks to likes of Vther Pendragon and his pedestrian band of Excitement Killas. Net: And so he saw fit to call into question the very integrity of Net, as well as its extended family at the Daily. Shame, shame. He felt the Gary Coleman dream might spice things up a bit. Not only that, Lippe always enjoys making a feeble ass of the unsuspecting. It seems our sycophantic fiend Vther Pen-loser will be acting as such. Yes, you have been “had.” Your whole band has been raped. As for you, one certainly can’t rape the willing. Oddly enough, I heard through the grapevine that Vther Pendragon habitually lubes his ass with peanut butter and “begs” his dog to go to town. Net: Is Gary Coleman in any way involved? As for my remarks in my letter to the editor: Utter horses##!t, I meant none of them. Yet it was a necessary step in my grand ol’ perverted plan to get the three minutes of fame I always dreamed of (in fact, my seemingly unattainable goals were exceeded — I actually got 4 minutes and 22 seconds). Net: Just so you know, Eliot, Ye of the Mighty Ego … don’t expect to have a letter to the editor published anytime soon. You have been most indubitably banned. (Networkia sings again!) Of course the god we call the Net knew of this all THE PRODIGAL HO RETURNS
along. I thank him/her for his/her patience. Net: You’re only confusing us further. So now it is time to retire, and if I should die tonight, let it be known that it was with a big bright grin on my little white face and an unrestrained giggle at Pathetic-Dragon‘s existence. Net: Indeed, gentle readers … we did know. But remember, despite much hullabaloo to the contrary, we are mere gatekeepers to this mighty kingdom, and the tangled web he wove was his. Or something like that.
From Rollerdiva: Well, well, well, it looks like all you little deviants and miscreants on the back page have all been up to no good. Bravo, its about time! I swear, the burden of being this University’s resident sexual superhero was beginning to take its toll on little old me. Net: The only thing that’s old about you is your mattress. The only thing that has kept me going is this fabulous new source of inner energy I have acquired ever since I started eating red meat again. Net: Let the innuendo spill forth. Dear God! Boy, do I love red meat! Let me tell you, there is nothing like a seared Black Angus steak, all dark and peppery on the outside, so pink and juicy on the inside. Net: Here we go … It just blows Net: ! my mind how anyone with all their faculties about them would ever want to give up red meat, much less become a vegan, as I was before I saw the light behind the refrigerator case at the local butcher shop. Mmmm … tasty, juicy, mouth-watering red meat. Net: What, no mention of a cream sauce? It beats soyburger any day of the new millennium. If THE SHADOW KNOWS …
it were up to me, I’d ingest it intravenously. And I hope you all are getting your daily dosages, because red meat is so packed with life giving, stress reducing energy Net: And lotsa, lotsa tiny bugs. I will never forget my first bite of red meat after an 11-year absence from my diet. I think I was up for days, savoring the flavor in my mouth until the shock to my digestive system eventually gave me Net: Herpes? … well, never you mind. I wouldn’t want to spoil your appetite. Now run along and head on down to Murray’s to get yourself a couple pieces of meat, one for now, and one for later …. Net: So naughty, yet so very nice.
From 4.6: Net, I bow down to your gracious presence and compliment you on your new dazzlingly sexy look. Net: Don’t thank us. Thank the nice people from “The View.” We won the “Get Your Husband’s Attention” makeover contest. I have noticed that a change in accusations could be of use. As with everyone else, I have a gripe. What do people have against all black-apparel-wearing security monitors? Net: Two words: Boogie Man. We walk through the snow in below 0-degree weather until at least 4 a.m., protecting the campus from evil and Net: [expletive deleted]. Nonetheless, we still see faces from students like they have just encountered the devil, or even worse, their professor. Net: “Hell” and “Faculty” need not be mutually exclusive. Not only that, if we decide to say “hello”, we are afraid that the student will puke, or worse, transfer to Madison. It must be the beauty and style we posses that lures these individuals away. After all, every woman wants a man in uniform, right? Net: Only when tear-off velcro pants are involved. I must admit that I walk on and laugh. Who else gets to play spy, talk through walky-talkies AND get paid? Net: People with embarrassing rÇsumÇs? Be warned and be appreciative: “The force is with us.”