New sick note policy is ill

Students who skip class will likely skip no matter what obstacles are in their way.

Chance Wellnitz

Great news, scammers! The University will review its sick note policy, and if Boynton Health gets their way, students will no longer need notes for one-time illnesses, like a cold or the flu. You know what this means: Soon you’ll never need to attend a single class ever again.

That’s right. Close out of the “How to Fake Symptoms of Being Sick” article in your browser and quit practicing your cough because the nurses at Boynton will no longer need your performance. Hell, by now you’re practically the Daniel Day-Lewis of faking food poisoning but soon you’ll be fighting real nausea after your seven consecutive beer and cotton candy-fueled outings at Halloween fairs.

Finally, you’ll get the college experience promised to you by the straight-to-DVD college comedy movies your gross friend rented in the 8th grade. Or if you’re in greek life, more weekdays will look like typical Saturdays because that is the only conceivable outcome of the administration easing up on its sick note policy.

The one thing keeping our campus’ harmony from crumbling into academic anarchy is the shameful walk to Boynton Health Service when a student is tempted to skip class. But a new sick note policy might be just a slight adjustment in the administrative balancing act which governs our school — one that acknowledges students who skip class likely will skip regardless of the obstacles officials put in their way.