Net: Happy Inauguration Day, everyone! Yes, for those of you who remember those golden pre-Eisenhower years, March 3 or 4 used to be the day our grand nation inaugurated its presidents. Perhaps you didn’t know this — but if you want to know, there are many useful books in LIBRARIES to find this information (OK. That was a really bad transition to today’s main topic. Hey. At least we’re informative).

THROWING THE BOOKS AT U

From KU Jayhawk: In response to They Call Me Kama-Sutra, at Wilson Library we only check in seven out of 10 books returned to us. The rest get thrown in the Mississippi or added to my private collection, and the patrons get stuck with the bill. Net: There. Now that we’ve cleared that up, maybe we can get back to that stimulating “girl” discussion.
However, I remember Kama-Sutra‘s original complaint in the library. In this circumstance, it is not the library’s responsibility to search for these “returned” books. We have neither the time nor the inclination to waste staff hours searching for these “returned” books that obviously have not been returned. Net: Obviously? We thinks we detects a bias, Jayhawk.
Kama-Sutra tried to pull a fast one on us and we caught on to the act. We have many more important and worthwhile tasks that require our attention; looking for these stolen books is not one of them. Kama-Sutra, we know that these “returned” books are in your possession. Net: And if you don’t return them, soon you’ll be at the bottom of the Mississippi with our copy of “Diaries of the Cuban Revolution” by Che Guevara. Hasta la victoria siempre!
These books must be returned immediately! Net: Do not pass go, and the library collects $200. We do not appreciate attempts like this in which you hope that we will forgive all fines simply because you “think” that you returned the material. We are not blind Net: But justice is. Therefore, there is no justice at the Wilson Library. and can see right through your act. We decided to call the Office of Scholarships and Financial Aid and inform them of this matter so that any loans you may have will be suspended until the matter has been resolved. We have contacted your professors to give you incompletes for this quarter until the books are returned (Yes, we do know what classes you are taking. The library is all-knowing). Net: And soon you will wake up with a horse’s head on the pillow next to you. Watch out. We know that you are trying to steal our material and we will not allow for this to occur any longer.
Seriously, while it’s not reasonable to expect that we are 100 percent accurate when checking in books (I mean, we do have some real idiots working for us), it seems very unlikely that five books checked out to the same two people would be missed. Net: We miss our copy of Guevara terribly, and we’re a whole conspiracy! I say they’re running some sort of scam. What happens if the Fines Office searches thoroughly for the books, and if they can’t find them, but the patron waltzes up to the stacks and comes back with the books? I smell a fish. Net: Of course. THEY’RE SWIMMING WITH CHE GUEVARA!!! Especially if the book is not sensitized by us so that the alarm gets triggered again; it’s one thing to not check in the book, but for us to not sensitize it, too? Whatever.

From Farley the Stuffed Platypus to Kama Sutra: Hail to the library system oppressed. Net: And three cheers for Fidel! I believe that the libraries are in league with the Bushy-tailed in attempting to take over the campus. Wilson Library is the only place you’ll ever pay more for a book than the East Campus Bookstore.
Last quarter, I checked out two books, renewed them just long enough to finish out the quarter, turned them in to Walter Library’s drop box (my first mistake was checking them out, the second one returning them there), and they miraculously disappeared for two months. Needless to say, my library bill and car payment are very similar to each other.
Maybe Wilson and Walter are trying to subsidize the national debt with overdue fines. Net: Hey. It’s a better idea than defense spending.
Anyway, when I went to try to straighten out the charge, the librarian practically laughed at me. (I’ll show her. When I graduate I won’t still be working in the stacks at Walter for $7.50 an hour.) Net: No. We hear McDonald’s is paying $8.
EVERYONE LOVES A HAPPY ENDING

The sacrifice was worth it, though. We now know the definite location of one of the squirrel strongholds. Forward, students! To the drop box! Net: But watch out for the library police. Before you know it, their squirrel spies will have all your movements mapped!


Net: For those of you who might remember, about a month ago a letter writer related bicycle woes. We’ve been working feverishly behind the scenes, and we have resolution. All parties are satisfied.

From Fushia: Because you wanted to know how it ended …
About the bike: It has been adopted into its new home by The End of the World. I no longer have to deal with two bikes and both of us are presumably happy, all due to the power of Network. As a side comment, someone else who shall be nameless said that they were The End of the World and tried to claim the bike. This person should be ashamed, trying to take a bike being given to a person without a bike of their own due to theft. And now you know the rest of the story.