Net: Our alarm was …

Net: Our alarm was ringing, and we were caught in the middle of a dream. We were kissin’ Valentino by a crystal-blue Italian stream. But we gotta do Network, or we guess we just won’t get paid. This is a day when we wish our beds were already made.
But please enjoy your Manic Monday. The Vikes are playing, just like it’s a Sunday. And that’s a fun day. So before you gotta run, sit down and give us a try. We start (as weeks often do), with a …
VIOLENT ATTACK ON OUR
From Ronn (Two n’s): Just to get it out of the way before I really begin, what’s up with the new type? It sucks. You should try to make your section easier to read, not harder.
Now, what the hell do you think you’re doing cowering away from Puck Off like that? “We’ll keep your words in mind when we make future decisions?” Net: We probably meant we’d keep the words in mind when making future decisions. It’s called audience, Ronn. I’m shocked and embarrassed, but most of all I’m disappointed. You’re a disgrace to all the Network that has come before you. You should be shot. Net: We regret we have but one life to give to your anger.
And another thing. What happened to all the great Network topics of my early years at this frozen shithole. Net: Network moved on, and you kept seeing your University as a frozen shithole. Take two chapters of “The Power of Positive Thinking” and call us in the morning. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot that this era of Network doesn’t have any idea of what I’m talking about because if ya did you wouldn’t suck (as bad). I’m talking ’bout how many kegs you can have in your basement Net: DUDE! You’re so RIGHT! WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?!, or if you can be held liable if some wuss comes to your house and drinks herself into the emergency room. Net: Isn’t that already posted on the door of your fraternity house? And the greatest Network discussion of all time, “How big would the Death Star be if the Earth was the size of an apple?”
To sum up I’d like to say that there are too many warm fuzzy public service announcements, lost and found entries and sissy shit like that. The Network is not the Daily’s letters page. Remember this. You are very weak, new Network, very weak.
MISCELLANEOUS VENTINGS
From Purpleloon: Nettie — what a sweet name! I’m not one to gripe but since that’s what college is about, here goes:
Since our government actually has money left over this year Net: Only if you count the social security trust fund against the deficit, of course, our wonderful President Clinton thinks we should spend it. Net: To shore up social security — what a novel idea! Wasn’t the entire purpose of the thing to have the surplus so we can finally start paying the debt back? Net: No — it’s a reason to vote for Democrats. There’s GOTTA be a reason … That’s like saying, “Finally! That band stopped playing ‘I Shot the Sheriff!’ Let’s fully use this peace and quiet by blasting ‘The Macarena’ from Coffman Union!” Net: Now you’re getting it …
What happened to regular Starburst? Net: Wow. Transition. All there is in any vending machine is that green-labeled tropical garbage. It is an insult to strawberry to be contaminated with banana flavor.
Anyway, there’s a chill in the air; it’s great weather for football. Net: Note — please don’t ever try to write a dissertation at your current level of logical essay development. Thank you.
A warning to all the Packer-backers out there: We don’t brake for cheeseheads. Skol Vikings!

THOUGHTS OF GOOD CHEER
From BF3: Oh esteemed Network with your wonderful powers, please help me. When I was at recent Gopher football game (cheering them on to victory) Net: It couldn’t have been THAT recent … I noticed the cheerleaders do not seem to do any cheerleading. Net: Oh great. Last week it was the hockey team, now it’s the cheerleaders. Hmmm … should we not print this? We wouldn’t want to endanger the Daily’s ability to get interviews with cheerleaders now, would we?
They don’t perform as a group, they don’t try to get the fans into the game, they don’t seem to do anything. The guys lift the girls, but there is no rhyme or reason for when they lift them. Net: Hormones, most likely. They do not even have a routine when they perform for the Rouser!!! There were a few times they seemed to have a purpose, leading the Gophers onto the field (badly), sitting down when someone gets hurt, and looking like dorks.
The band does a better job of getting the crowd into the game. Net: ‘Cause the players tried to take the field, the marching band refused to yield … The band is more fun to watch when the game gets boring, and the band has more spirit. What is up, cheerleaders? Why don’t you cheer?
TODAY’S SQUIRREL LETTER
From Lisa Lisa: I would just like to say that I am
not stupid, nor am I inexperienced. Net: Thanks for sharing. NEXT LETTER!!! What I’m talking about I do not know. And don’t stick any of those nosy comments into this. Net: OK. We won’t. We promise. I would just like to say I am really, truly amazed at something I saw with my own two eyes not once, but twice. A white karate-chopping squirrel. Net: Sounds like a rodentine Elvis from the fat years. It gave me the evil eye as I attempted to feed it cheese from my sub sandwich. This squirrel is evil!!! EVIL I SAY!!!! Net: And yet they walk the same streets as you and I. Be careful out there, folks. Have good days, and avoid the frozen shithole — it’s what you make of it.