From Father SimSaLaBim: I am writing to you in response to the recent Student Services Fee debate. You see, as a student at the University, these issues are important to me. This is the reason why, in the interest of cultural diversity, I would like to add my own student group to the list.
Imagine this: The University Young Women, La Raza Student Cultural Center, The Queer Student Center and the University Satanic Student Cultural Center. Net: As long as you offer auxiliary White House memberships, we’re all for it. All we need is funding, and the Satan worshipers all around campus will be allowed to come and discuss their views, problems and the way society has not fully accepted us yet. Net: What do you mean, not fully accepted? You sit on the boards of nearly every Fortune 500 company. It’s just that your love of Lucifer is obscured by your love of lucre. Nor will we discriminate against non-Satan worshipers — all are welcome to come and view our pentagrams and other Satan-worshipping paraphernalia. Net: Step right up, boyz and grrls — the dark chalice is waiting!
As it is, the University’s Satan worshipers have no place to go to avoid the discrimination that those evil, conservative CHRISTIANS place on us, and I feel it is necessary that a safe place be made available for ALL minorities.
Some would say that, if we want to operate a Satan Cultural Center, we should do so with our own money and not force others to fund us, even though we stand for things that are against their personal beliefs. To that I say that even you evil, conservative CHRISTIANS should not discriminate against us, since you claim to love ALL people. Net: Of course, loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean paying for them. For example, we have a little sister who really wants to see “Spiceworld” …
So in conclusion, I hope the University community stands behind my proposal and allows all of us Satan worshipers the opportunity to freely express our undying devotion to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. Net: Yudof will be so relieved. Just think, only 23 cents a year will allow each and every one of you to foster true diversity on this great campus.
Thank you. Net: And thank you! Soon you can have a “Coming Out” week, and maybe even some Satanic ethnic fashion shows. Hey — when’s your new year? Maybe the Daily can do a story explaining to everyone how those Satanic people live. Umm … information!

From Big Queen on Campus: Oh fa-a-a-a-a-abulous Network and Nitwit! How are you? Net: We’re drowning with Kate Winslet! Hope all is well with you. I just got through trying to register (again). There’s this big problem! Last quarter I bounced a check, and I haven’t paid it until today. So this morning I go to register (finally!!!) and I’m told by my mouthy computer that I can’t register because of a hold!!! Net: A likely story. Chances are they knew you write us (We turn over all information about our correspondents to the CIA — don’t think they aren’t watching you.) Why the ##(&^$% couldn’t the self-imposed egocentric bureaucrats here at the University have sent me a letter or something warning me that I wouldn’t be able to register if I didn’t pay my fines???
Have you noticed how much paper this institution loves to go through mailing things to people? What’s one more piece of paper to them? If I had received notice that I wouldn’t be able to register, I would have paid this stupid thing off sooner! Net: However, the regulations covering fine penalties and holds are clearly explained in some other piece of paper you received, so it’s not their fault. Now I’m not arguing the fines — I admit that’s my own fault, but couldn’t they have taken one minute of their oh-so-precious time to warn me? Net: Maybe your mom could have. But not the U.
Thanks a lot everyone at the Network! I feel better now. Now to try to register again … Net: Good luck. Anyone else have any registration horror stories? We’re thinking of putting together an anthology, and we’re always looking for good, original material.

From Kneel: Here are some things to think about:
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8-by-10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6-by-8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
Net: At work you can file grievances for sexual harassment.
In prison sexual harassment just makes you grieve.
You can take vacations from work almost any time you want to.
In prison your vacation is determined by a bunch of law-and-order yahoos on your parole board.
At work there are designated places where it’s OK to smoke.
In prison cigarettes are currency … guess it’s what you make of it.