From The PMS Avenger: Greetings, all powerful Network. I bow before you and present you with my humble words. I must admit that my female mind was at a loss after reading that intelligent inquiry into gender relations at this institution, written by Change Edwards. Net: Embrace your limitations and make understanding your strength. Could it be that I didn’t understand his well-written hypothesis? I was so ashamed at my negative reaction to his idea that women only take computer science classes to snare husbands. After all, this must be one brilliant man if he is in computer science, right? Net: Brilliant in a gaudy neon sign outside-a-Vegas-strip-bar kind of way. Oh, and you’re drunk. And I am only a woman — and not even in IT! What’s a girl to do? Net: Count her blessings?
So I reread his argument, and after much pondering, I finally understood. Those women couldn’t possibly have been taking computer science classes because they wanted an education — silly me! They have obviously figured out that since they’re only females, they couldn’t dream of having a career or supporting themselves. Net: And thus, “Sugar Mama.” They must have come to the conclusion that life is better for us chicks if we marry a sexist geekboy than if we use what little intelligence nature has granted us to make our own living and marry a man who respects us! Net: Finally, someone who really GETS IT. After all, who is going to bring home the bacon when we’re barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen? Net: The lecherous, slack-jawed, chauvinist man, that’s who! And he’s gonna come home stumblin’ drunk! With lipstick on his collar! And yer all gonna like it!
Thank you, Change Edwards, for putting me back in my place. I think I’ll switch colleges next semester so I won’t have to worry my pretty little head ever again!
CHANGE IS BAD
From Pixee: Ah, Network, I must admit that the charms and grace so eloquently put by Change Edwards have seduced me. Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man. Net: Sing it again, now! *sigh* OK, enough sarcasm; let’s get nasty.
Change, I’d like to share a revelation of mine with you: You’re a cumbubble, and nothing but. I love how you’ve managed to degrade the image of women in just under 200 words. Net: Not bad. It takes porn at least 1,000 words. Got a ratio for you: Men-to-women readers of Network is most likely 1:1. Congratulations, you’ve succeeded in offending half the reader population Net: And you thought Gov. Jesse could ruffle some feathers (that, of course, is making the assumption that all of us college women are intelligent enough to recognize offensive remarks directed towards us. I trust my instincts)!
In response to the growth of the women’s population on campus, Net: In numbers, not size, thank you very much as well as in IT, is because of the fact that people are especially starting to judge our worth? Oh … so you thought all women had to suck c*ck to get into college? Net: Not quite. He was more concerned with whether they would once they got here, wethinks. How sweet. Of course, when we get here, our primary goal is to — how did you so eloquently put it? — troll for husbands, right? Net: First things first. Don’t get ahead of yourself (no pun intended).
That’s right, we’re gonna hop our way out of a secondary education Net: Actually, we thought you had to have the secondary education before you got here. But then, maybe that’s what Appleby Hall is for. that will leave us with 50K plus jobs so we can get in the kitchen and cook you up some chicken pot pie. Net: Make it beef. It’s more naughty. Oh, baby, what a turn-on.
Alright, now go stick your head up your ass and stay like that for awhile; it’ll muffle your idiotic commentary and benefit the rest of us. And now, a haiku:
Change Edwards must save
BANK ON IT
the world by sacrificing
his “wee wee.” CHOP CHOP.
To One Pissed Off Mamacita from Kenicke: I have a reply to One Pissed Off Mamacita and anyone else who seems to have a problem with TCF … grow up. They run a very successful banking service; obviously they know what they are doing. Net: And the United States is the world’s leading superpower, so politicians obviously know what they’re doing. You dig? As a college student, you should know that not everything in life is great, super, peachy keen, splendid, etc., Net: Except for Hamm’s beer and that goes for banking as well.
Perfection is a tough thing to achieve. Give them a break. Sure, you have crap to do, but I’m sure they have issues of their own as well. Net: Yeah, like which pudding goes best with jambalaya. So, Mamacita, you need to give yourself a nice big reality check and realize that you can’t always get what you want and be a little cry-baby about it. Net: CONTRADICTION ALERT! BATTEN DOWN THE HOLD THE ELABORATIONHATCHES! But in reality, TCF really does blow. To quote Saturday Night Live over the weekend, “They suck. They suck hard, they suck with commitment, they suck completely.”
From A Sconie in the Cities: Today I had a bag of Old Dutch potato chips. They were good. In fact, they were too good. I noticed that these Old Dutch potato chips were different from the Old Dutch potato chips I’ve had at the University during the past year. The old Old Dutch (that was a little awkward to say) potato chips were much, well, they were harder, which is usually how I like things. Net: Umm … never mind. They were crunchier, which I didn’t like. I don’t like most things. But these, these Old Dutch potato chips I had today, they were thinner, yet still crunchy. Not as hard, but still salty. Net: Much like boogers in winter. They were good. I liked them a lot. I would like to thank the Old Dutch people for making those chips as they were for me today. Thank you. Thank you, Old Dutch potato chip maker people. Thank you. Net: The preceding entry was presented as a public service message. We encourage all of Networkia to take a time out for a mental health screen.