Network: Stevie G-unit; Mordred; [email protected]

>Two hillbillies walk into a bar. Net: What is this, some kind of sick joke? While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Net: You mean she wasn’t wearing overalls like everyone else in Hillbillyville? One of the hillbillies looks at her and says “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head no, The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it before. Net: Oh! We get it! It was a pun on the famous Heimlich maneuver. Now, it all makes sense.

From Mordred

Once more before Turkey Time; Darren Bernard: I dunno who raised you, hombre, but for lack of a better answer, we are going to assume Consuela, while you’re Daddy was away at the OPEC summit and your Mommy was following the Billy Graham tour like a dead-head, popping Limbaugh’s pills. Net: That’s what we like about you, Mordred: vivid imagery that skewers the pretensions of the ruling class. I’m not trying to be mean. In fact, I’m extending an invitation: Come over to my house for Thanksgiving, Darren. Net: Too bad this didn’t make it into the Wednesday issue. What’re ya gonna do? The food will be good, the company will be pleasant and holiday cheer will hang in the air. We’ll even pick you up and take you to our house, cruising the highway in a vehicle that gets over 11MPG and isn’t a stamped steel erection augmentation. It’s OK, Darren, I know you weren’t hugged enough as a kid – we can help. As for the rest of you, help America out: adopt a Republican. Take them home and show them a life where they can be accepted regardless of their sexuality, where they don’t have to call their father ‘sir’, where Mom works for a living and you won’t be called ‘unpatriotic’ if you don’t pass the cranberries fast enough. Ease them into a normal life, help them cope with the fierce realities of other races, religions, and auto brands. I’m not suggesting you take them on a tour of France quite yet, but maybe consider helping them pronounce ‘croissant’ – it can’t hurt. Oh, and listen to D-Man: Firefox rules, Neanderthals drool. Net: Oh boy, now we’re gonna get all kinds of nasty e-mails from the Campus Neanderthals. Or is it the College Republicans? Whichever.

From [email protected]

Hey Network, you’ve done this before so I was hoping you could help me out today. Net: No problem. First, take your thumb out of your derriere. Next, get a clue. Finally, stop bothering us. I was sitting at the union Tuesday afternoon and there was a really cute guy sitting in the same area. I wanted to introduce myself but I was chicken. He was laughing at me while I was laughing at the guy eating the avocado. It was both amusing and bizarre, who just eats an avocado? Net: That guy, you know, the one who eats the avocados? Anyway, if this guy wants to meet he should let me know. Also, people should definitely walk on the escalators, I have to give credit to whoever did the math to figure out the amount of time wasted. Thanks for the hook-up help, Network! Net: Don’t count your hookups before they’re hatched, sighted. Not every guy on this campus is so desperate that he’ll copulate with a coed who can’t deport herself in a ladylike manner while watching another individual consume the fruit of Persea Americana.