From There’s Only One: Network, I have found myself, but lost my key. Yes, I am the lonely owner of that found Jeep key. If you would please forward my message to the caretaker, or let me know their e-mail, phone ##, etc.
Net: Another (partially) satisfied Networkian customer. Problem is, because we are inundated daily with such a large volume of letters, we accidentally deleted our good Samaritan’s vital info from our memory banks. Still out there, Samaritan? Please get back to us; we’ll put you in touch immediately. Wethinks There’s Only One’s hourly parking charges will exceed the value of the vehicle by the weekend.
From Mulad: Okay, is it just me, or does it appear that drunk people have a fetish with slamming doors? Net: And professing brotherly/sisterly love. And stumbling. And vomiting. And Caddyshack. I’m sitting here, as you’ll notice by my timestamp on this message, at 2:30 in the morning. Why, you ask? Because all the freaking morons on my floor feel it is in their best interest to keep me awake. I really liked all my neighbors last year in Territorial Hall. Net: What’s that … all your neighbors last year were like you: territorial? They knew me, and I knew them. The “loudest dorm,” and I was fine. The occasional loud music, but not too bad. One year later, I’m cursing the apparently thin walls of Centennial Hall.
Of course, I suppose I could have my fun at eight in the morning, when all of you are stuck in bed with a hangover … Bring on the door-slamming! Net: Never fear, Mulad. A new batch of specialized residence halls are awaiting Regents’ approval, our sources tell us. For instance, for students craving more space, Astronomical Hall will be the answer; students who are “smart enough to afford college” will enjoy the confines of Gubernatorial Hall; for students who just can’t seem to graduate but love dorm life, there’s Perennial Hall; Anatomical Hall offers medical student housing; students that need a strong mother-figure in their lives will love to stay at Matriarchal Hall; sign up now, spring-break lovers — party all week at Tropical Hall; and finally, English majors, a living situation conducive to your future career: Janitorial Hall. But we digress.AND THE CLOTHESLINE!
From The Hulkster: Lemme tell you something mean “Net” gene, I have an annoyance I must get off my chest. Net: Yeah, and about thirty pounds of rubbery ‘roid-flesh. I remember when the Hulkster’s biggest problems were: snotty sorority girls, the University math department, steel chairs and trying to get tickets to a Delusional Overtones’ concert. Now there is something worse … YOU IDIOTS THAT FEEL THE NEED TO RIDE BIKES IN THE WINTER!!! Why can’t you walk (or bus) like the rest of us for one quarter? Net: Denial. Unilateral seasonal denial. The only event worse than losing a championship belt, brother, is dodging ski mask-wearing bikers when it is 20 below zero, or possibly getting splashed with mud from passing bikes in 30 degree weather. So all of you “I’m-too-weak-to-walk-so-I’ll-bike-in-the-snow-fonzie-wanna-bes” … whatcha gonna do when the Hulkster WALKS all over you?!? *snarl*
NOT FROM SALLY STRUTHERS
From Phlegm of Discontent: The other day, I was debating with my roommate about the futility of existence vs. the horror of non-being while watching “Win Ben Stein’s Money.” Net: Bueller? After agreeing to sue the Indians for inventing smoking and the car makers for vehicular homicide, Net: And Network, for bad grades. And Ben & Jerry’s for obesity. And ‘N’ Sync, just for the hell of it. I noticed that the answer to one of the questions involved Bangladesh. This got me thinking, always a dangerous state of affairs. Every so often, I hear about a bunch of Bangladeshis who get killed or maimed or whatever because of flooding. Net: Maimed by a flood? Harsh. This country, for those of you who slept through geography, is located at the mouth of the Ganges River. It is a low, flat area commonly known as a FLOODplain. Who in their right mind would live in a country located on a FLOODplain and not expect some FLOODING? Net: Yeah — they oughta just get in their Range Rovers and pack up their personal effects and ignore those gunmen and skee-daddle — that’s what they oughta do. And I thought people in this country were stupid. Every year, we give these yahoos millions of dollars in foreign aid and it doesn’t seem to do a bit of good. Every year, they end up getting washed out to sea again. Therefore, I propose cutting off all aid to Bangladesh until they get some sense and move their country to a better, less flood-prone location, like Tibet, Net: For the political freedom? or the Sahara. Net: for the lush, fertile topography? You’re really on to something, Phlegm!
LAS CABEZAS DE CARNE
From The Lawn Mauer: Since this seems like a good forum for complaint, I would like to complain Net: Your logic — flawless! about most of the students in every Spanish class I’ve had. Apparently, hordes of stereotypical jocks get their kicks by using Spanish class to say the word “cerveza” as much as possible while giggling in deep, gruff tones and becoming so engrossed in throwing imaginary footballs that one of them knocked me right out of my chair. THANKS! Net: Donde esta la professora? Que malo!