CHEAP AND EASY
To Rosetefarrian (Net: By the way, could that be misspelled any worse?) from Dictionary Girl: Oh, whatever. Just because you live in your own apartment for which you pay half of what we dormians do, you think you’re in some other social class? Net: Only if you don’t consider reeking of dorm “food” indicative of one’s meager status. Well, for your information, I am a sophomore and not in General College, and it sounds to me as though you have something wedged up your ass with pricklers Net: Ribbed, for mutual pleasure. I don’t have to pay a dime to live in the dorms ’cause of my scholarships, Net: Again, La-di-frickin’-da and given the choice between a free dorm room or paying more than a grand for an apartment, sorry, almighty one, but I am not going to pay. Net: This Girl clearly has her priorities in place. But the last time we checked, soap and toothpaste cost money, so we’re curious …. Call me just dumb, Net: JUST DUMB! but it’s just plain economics.
APPALLING & EGREGIOUS
From Abbey Someone: To the four people out there who actually read the A&E section of the Daily: Net: Actually, they have a staff of 11, and they have friends and parents, and they have friends and parents, and so on. So nah-nah-nah-nah-naaaah-nah. Do not, under any circumstances, heed the advice of their film critic about the movie “Magnolia.” Allow me to save you $7 and the agony of knowing that you just wasted three hours of your life. Net: That reminds us of an old person/friend we had awhile back, only we didn’t spend that much. Magnolia is the worst movie ever made, bar none! If you ignore me, you will forced to sit and watch the stories of six or seven miserable losers who we don’t care about, Net: Well, some friendly guy you are in hopes that their stories will all tie together at the end in some clever way, Ö la Seinfeld, only to have those hopes dashed when it starts raining frogs. Net: You mean, it doesn’t rain frogs in your world? Yes, you heard me right, it rains frogs. And closed circuit to Tom Cruise (we all know he he’s an avid reader of the Daily): If you are going to stuff your underwear, at least do it plausibly. It is common knowledge the you have no penis at all; just accept it and get on with your life. Thank you for your time, Networkians; I hope my warning will save you from more agony in your already miserable lives.
NOW HIRING BUMS
From God’s Gift to Women: My dearest Net, I have never written before, but I was compelled to do so after waking up and finding that the once-heralded Net: And twice shy Net had become a release of anger for pussies. Net: How little you truly know, son. How little you know. First off, 4.6, you’re right. Who would ever want to be in Carlson? Why would you want a fantastic job when you could strap on your security jacket every morning and chase the teenage loiterers out of your hometown mini-mall? Net: In support of dead-end security jobs in mini-malls, we present four words: No Math Skills Required. In addition, your security job is founded under the premise Net: Perhaps “founded on” would have been a better word choice, considering founding something under something else would be rather counterproductive, unless you were digging an underground city, which would be kinda cool, especially if it had a … oh, never mind that you dorks have nothing better to do than to stop the popular people from having a good time. It’s not our fault you were always the last one picked for kickball on the playground. Net: Don’t believe it, 4.6! It was him! Seek and destroy! You’re right, jealousy is ugly, especially knocking on my door at 11 p.m. telling my television is too loud. Net: That’s a shame … NewsRadio was meant to be blared. I hope you queers realize that you aren’t bad-ass. Now, for Rosetefarrian: Granted, the dorms suck and my mission in life currently consists of talking high school seniors out of moving into one. Net: The world needs cradle robbers who deal in idle chatter, too. However, maybe if you didn’t suck so bad Net: And hurt so good you would have had enough fun in one for it to somewhat cancel out the fact that it is a horrid waste of money. Net: Kinda like drug abuse. I really don’t have much to say except that when I read your entry, I got the feeling you were an incredibly whiny pussy with pennynuts. Oh yeah, one more thing, FREE PUFF DADDY!! Net: If the doo-rag does not fit, you must acquit!
RIOT, YOU’LL LIKE IT
From Short Person: I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of school. I’m already behind, and I really don’t feel like learning. Net: The preceding was brought to you by the University of Minnesota: One of the Glories of the State. I have a way how we don’t have to go to classes anymore. Net: We call our method “Incomplete.” In the ’60s and ’70s they had riots here so badly that classes were called off mid-quarter. Net: The conversion to semesters eliminated that possibility. Now, if we can come up with something to riot about, WE could get out of classes, also!! Net: Perhaps if Yudof declared war on Augsburg … well, that wouldn’t last long. Maybe we pummel the greater St. Thomas-Macalester-Hamline metroplex. Yeah … down with the Privates! Or something like that. Hmmm, we could sacrifice a cow in the middle of the mall, which would get the ALF people up in arms. We could persecute security guards (nothing personal, 4.6), and … hmmm … ohhhh! We could burn some fraternity and sorority letters on white crosses! And to top it off, we can put down the NET!!! Net: Just try it, Shorty. We’ll drop you like a two-foot putt, and then we’ll pop you like a butt pimple. That’ll get the riots going!!! What do you say, all?!!! Shall we do it? Write in and we’ll start the RIOTS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Net: A hearty guffaw from such a weasely lad.
Oh … when I’m not cooking up schemes, I’m quite a nice person. Net: For a moment, we were overcome by the allure of your diabolical influence. And then this: I found a Mickey Mouse key chain right by the Radisson while I was going to the Rec. If this is yours, contact Net and they can give you my e-mail. Net: Whatever.