Dr. Date,
I’ve been hooking up with this chick for a few weeks now, and the sex is really good. But I’m not into her at all. Her personality is kind of “blah,” and we don’t have a connection besides in the bedroom. I don’t want our hookups to end, but should I feel bad about leading her on when I have no emotional attachment to her?
When I told her that I’m only in it for the sex, she didn’t seem upset or anything. But for some reason, I still feel guilty about our weird relationship. I’ve always been the type of person to be in a long-term, committed relationship, and this “casual” sex thing is new to me.
—Heavy Conscience
Just Fooling Around,
It’s good that you’re contemplating your connection with this girl. For a healthy relationship to last — whether it’s serious or a friends-with-benefits scenario — it’s important you’re up-front. And beyond that, you need to know where the other person stands.
If you enjoy hooking up with her, there’s no need to stop. But you must be sure that she’s OK with the setup, too. Bring it up again, and be straightforward. Let her know that you don’t see a long-term relationship developing from your bedroom chemistry but you’re having fun in the moment. And ask her if it’s OK to continue even with no possibility of things developing.
If you sense any hesitation or worry on her part, stop having sex before she feels any more attached. In that case, if you continue, you’d hurt her feelings in the end and bring yourself a lot of avoidable stress. And trust me — even good sex isn’t worth that kind of hassle.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
Giving oral sex is not enjoyable for me, and I’m afraid that offends my boyfriend. I always try to go as quick as possible, and while I’m doing it, I think about something else — I try to distract myself to get through it. I’ve never understood how some girls find pleasure doing it, and I don’t think I’ll ever like it.
But receiving, on the other hand, is a good time. I always get turned on when my boyfriend eats me out, and he does it regularly. It’s not fair, though, because I’m definitely on the receiving end more than the giving. It’s pretty unbalanced.
I hate to put a wrench in our sex life, and I feel bad that I’m not more willing to go down on him. Do you have any ways I can overcome this? And am I alone here?
—Anonymous
Always the Recipient,
You’re not alone. A lot of people aren’t excited about putting their mouths around penises and vaginas.
But the reason some people still enjoy giving oral is because they love giving their partners pleasure. I’m sure that’s why your boyfriend doesn’t mind going down on you.
Sex is best when both people are equally into it. Try to think about what you don’t like about giving head. If you gag, try using your hand at the base, so you don’t have to go down as far. If you want it to taste better, use a flavored lube. If his penis smells, tell him to shower — or better yet, do it in the shower with him.
But above all, make sure you let your boyfriend know that you are trying to find a way to enjoy it because you want your sex life to be equal. He’ll appreciate the thought.
—Dr. Date
Dr. Date,
We’re out of the honeymoon phase, and now my boyfriend and I are in a rut. We’ve been dating for about six months, and I’m worried that this is a sign that we’re not supposed to be together. We’ve seemed to have lost our spark. What should we do?
—Anonymous
When Reality Hits,
Challenge your partner to see what he wants out of the relationship and look for ways it could grow. If you really love his companionship, you’ll work to make the commitment last. The “honeymoon phase” doesn’t last forever, and that’s the nature of getting to know someone. For some people it’s really short, others it’s long — but it never lasts forever.
But if there are deeper issues going on between you two, don’t sit back. Listen to the voice in your head that may be telling you that it’s time to end things.
But if it seems like the relationship’s fire is simply burned out, and there’s hope for rekindling, try to do activities that you both enjoy to spark things up again.
—Dr. Date
