Can you say pusillanimity?

The left has morphed into a perpetu-ally angry, can’t-take-a-joke, monolithic Miss Cleo of senselessness.

In deference to those readers who have been so loudly clamoring for me to “define a liberal,” my preholiday cheer will be spread by compensating for the inability of campus atheists to open a dictionary. Just who is this liberal I always refer to? “How do you tell a communist?” former President Ronald Reagan once asked. “Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.”

In fear of straining the bloodshot eyes of University DFL readers, today’s dovish liberals aren’t communists, though closeted Soviet spies had a curious tendency to find their home in the Democratic Party during the earliest years of the Cold War. (Can you gesture a thought on just what political party secret al-Qaida members might find homier today?)

No, today’s Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., -loving left wing is far less serious. Take Kerry’s so-called health-care plan, for instance.

The way you identify a contemporary liberal is this: Go to the center of the University’s mall area, scream “I love corporate America” and wait for an enraged student with tricolored hair to whip into a mind-numbing tirade about Halliburton, and “blood for oil,” and outsourcing, and Vice President Dick Cheney – all while angrily puffing on a Marlboro cigarette.

Hypocrisy and contradiction define the left. “Don’t hurt admitted mass murderers, but unborn children are fair game.” “Empower blacks, but be sure to tell them about how hopelessly oppressed they are.” “Boost the economy, but only by increasing taxes.” “Sacrifice for the animals, but don’t ask about my jeans sewn by preadolescents in Guatemalan sweatshops.”

As the poster child of the nauseatingly mendacious left, Public Broadcasting Service host and long-time political activist Bill Moyers has repeatedly proven that he has about the same respect for consistency as comedian George Carlin does for political correctness.

Moyers recently condemned Fox News’ conservative commentator Sean Hannity’s radio show, saying, “I’ve never heard such vile and bigotry and belligerence as I heard. (Hannity) doesn’t want any civil discourse.” For the record, Moyers has also creatively labeled “The O’Reilly Factor” host Bill O’Reilly “ignorant.”

Evidently, Moyers and fellow PBS host Charlie Rose found “civil discourse” during a conspiratorial election-night conversation. “I think if Kerry were to win this in a – in a tight race,” Moyers apocryphally forewarned, “I think there’d be an effort to mount a coup, quite frankly.” Rose, hardly a stranger to liberal land asked, “What do you mean by a ‘coup’?” “I mean that the right wing is not going to accept (a Kerry win),” Moyers responded.

This dialogue, much like the propagandizing that emanates from National Public Radio, is brought to you by PBS and therefore, well, me – a U.S. taxpayer. (“Unify the country, but only by charging that conservatives plan to hijack 200 years of U.S. democracy.”)

Moyers’ most recent nut conspiracy is kind of similar to the 1964 political ad he conceived, which suggested that a vote for Barry Goldwater would lead to nuclear holocaust. Instead, thanks to Moyers’ fear-mongering calculation, we got a Democrat-instigated, multiyear vacation in a Southeast Asian paradise called Vietnam.

You know, at least liberals have proven their ability to choose, fight and win wars. It’s as if the left has morphed into a perpetually angry, can’t-take-a-joke (like this one), monolithic Miss Cleo of senselessness in the last four decades. (“Protect U.S. interests, but not if it involves disposing a viciously anti-American dictator bent on acquiring weapons of mass destruction.”)

And now the divorce-remarry-divorce-remarry Hollywood parade is absolutely stumped on just why voters are starting to turn their backs on the Tinsel Town-endorsed former party of great leaders such as Franklin D. Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.

While we wait for Susan Sarandon to spell it out, does anyone need a cigarette?

Darren Bernard welcomes comments at [email protected]