Horoscopes for Finals Week, Fall 2000.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) **** A circle of those closest to you will have an intervention about your “alcohol problem.” Nod politely, but remember how much more the boys like you when you drink. Tonight: FRAT PARTY!
Pisces: (Feb. 19–March 20) ** What’s new, pussycat? I’ll tell you. Your preteen dreams will be shattered when it is conclusively proved to you that Tom Jones is hung like a newborn. Tonight: It’s not unusual to “take matters into your own hands.”
Aries: (March 21–April 19) *** That new pair of jeans doesn’t make your butt look big. You’re just fat. Tonight: Super-size it!
Taurus: (April. 20–May 20) **** That new role in the porn flick will not get your foot in the door for a career in Hollywood but it’s as close as you’ll ever get, so go for it! Tonight: Practice, practice, practice!
Gemini: (May 21–June 21) *** The barely-latent homoeroticism in your boyfriend’s Abercrombie & Fitch catalogues does not mean he’s going to leave you for another man. Yet. Tonight: An ounce of prevention – stay away from The Saloon.
Cancer: (June 22–July 22) * Your can-do attitude will land you smack in the middle of divorce proceedings. Tonight: Try not to be such a slut.
Leo: (July 23–Aug. 22) **** Some Revlon cover-up will take care of that nasty acne problem of yours. Revlon — It’s whale-fat-olicious! Tonight: Kill an animal rights activist!
Virgo: (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) * Your boyfriend is screwing your older sister, you are the product of your parents’ liquor-induced accident, your best friend really doesn’t like you at all and your cat just fell into a hay-bailing machine. Tonight: Does it really matter?
Libra: (Sept. 23–Oct. 23) ** Unbeknownst to either of you, that guy you slept with last week was your second cousin and he got you pregnant. Tonight: Drink it up! The damage has already been done.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24–Nov. 21) *** Your mother always said, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Then again, she also always said, “Shut the door, bitch! This is mommy’s crack time!” Tonight: Develop a habit of your own.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) ***** Everybody gets nervous about their first time. But don’t worry — your boyfriend’s so small it won’t hurt a bit. Tonight: The world is your oyster. Eat it.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) *** Take heart! There are three billion women in the world and he only slept with two of them last night. Tonight: Staple his winky to the bedpost and set the house on fire.