ETC. From Phlegm …

ETC.

From Phlegm of Discontent: I just got back from a weeklong vacation inside my head, and the service was horrible. Net: It’s all about location. Try the medulla next time. Ask for Fredo. He’ll treat you right. I don’t recommend it. Upon my return to “reality,” I discovered that people seem obsessed with unimportant issues such as some little Cuban kid, Net: The heads do a great job of pronouncing his name “Alien,” which never fails to make us giggle. But we’re not quite sure why … what flag should fly over what building in some hick state, a mere 18 inches of snow falling on various places around the country (global warming at its best) and whom to choose to be our next el presidente. Net: This is our first (we think) and last (probably not) opinion on the topic: FREE PUFFY!! Well, that last one is rather important because the guy who becomes the next ubermensch has influence over things like how many pounds of flesh I have to send to the IRS. Net: 35 percent or nasty hemorrhaging death, whichever comes first. I figure I’ll vote for whoever lets me keep my pollution-spewing car from Hades, which is currently up on blocks in my front yard getting refitted for a more powerful fission reactor. Net: We just bought a Dodge Valhalla. It’s a sweet ride, but nowhere near as nice as the Plymouth Charybdis we had a few years back. Anyway, my point is that instead of focusing on unimportant issues like what dress Cher is almost wearing this week, people should pay attention to important things like the poor edumacashun kidz get in our skoolz, Net: If we’ve said it once we’ve probably said it twice: irrilliteratacy is no laffing matr how humanity should go about the business of surviving the next few decades, and the fact that madmen (‘scuse me, madPEOPLE) may soon be able to build weapons of mass destruction in their bathtubs. Net: Point your browser to www.bombs.com and see what comes up. You’ll be disgusted. And of course, the next episode of “The Simpsons.”
DUH-ROGATORY

From MermaidJanis: I’ve been a reader of Network for two long, long University years Net: Is that kind of like dog years? In our case it sure is … now, and have always noticed the extreme level of hostility that contributors to your cyber-gossip column hold. Net: Yougottafugginprobbemwiddat? However, none of it has inspired me to write until now. Blood E. Shame, listen up. Net: Watch out! She means business! I rarely see such hypocrisy splattered out into the open (Yudof not included) as I saw in your last entry. Here you are telling off people who use queer, gay, etc. as insults, comparing them to juvenile third graders (and that part I agree with). But then you turn around and call them “right-wing Christian freaks!” Net: And what about the derogatory comments directed at third-graders? Juvenile? COME ON! Do you think that using an unfounded derogatory remark like this is any better than calling someone a queer or dyke?? I’m no Christian, or gay, Net: Or a third-grader but I felt that someone needed to act as a mediator in this little dispute by saying that NO attacks upon one specific group such as gays or Christians Net: Or third-graders is acceptable, and if you diss someone for doing that by doing it yourself, then you need to get yourself a new argument. Good call with the Pat Buchanan remark, though. Net: Way to end it on an up note. Now we can all be friends again.

SUB-FROSH

From Bobo to Misguided CSCI Major: I might have an explanation for your gripe. The math department has a program for really f&@kin’ smart (or so they claim) junior high and high school kids, so they can take algebra and geometry and calculus at the University. Net: And we get the privilege of paying their tuition. In return, we get to pummel them unmercifully. Some of them weigh less than their calculators. They mostly have class Tuesday and Thursday afternoons in Vincent Hall, and they swarm the halls, especially in the basement, buying candy and pop and — you guessed it — microwaving popcorn until the whole joint reeks. Net: You can’t fault them for being enthusiastic about the opportunity to gorge themselves for fun. ‘Tis a mere precursor to the freshman fifteen. Besides that, they’re loud and obnoxious and in the way Net: i.e., high-schoolers. And you thought post-secondary kids were a pain in the ass. So here’s a message for all you youngsters: I must praise you li’l tykes for your scholastic might, Net: Stop right there. As any student at the University knows, intelligence is not something to be commended, but rather something to be mocked. This is the philosophical foundation on which CLA was built. but for once, just bring a granola bar from home; you’re stinkin’ up our beautiful campus. Peace out.
WHASSSUUUUUUUP

From DamnI’mgood: Just a thought to chew on Net: We’ll take Sno-Caps over newsprint any day while we’re all sitting in our respective lectures with the last page of the Daily neatly folded on top of our notes. A very sarcastic congratulations to the blur of companies who wasted about $2 million each during the Super Bowl. Not only did most Net: Agreed. Most did suck. Except for E*Trade, who won us over with the old guy, the monkey and the … shall we say, gentleman of limited mental capacity of these commercials had no apparent tie to their company (think Muhammad Ali shadowboxing and Superman walking), Net: Maybe you just weren’t paying attention. Can’t you see the obvious connection between cat herding and e-commerce? but put into consideration all of the dot-coms you saw. Didn’t they just seem to run together? Net: The only things that were running by the end of the game were 1) our mouth, in a vain effort to hide our shame at dropping two large on the ‘dog, and 2) our bookie, who chased our VW Superbus for a good block before giving up.