Net: By Jove, we’r…

Net: By Jove, we’re a teensy bit surprised at how many letters we have to choose from. Helps when you don’t publish a regular Net for a few days. Anyway, it’s a Friday and we wanna get the hell out of this kabuki joint to go hang with the good folks at UPS. Or we’ll go home and drink ’til we’re blue (again). Whatever. It’s a Friday; here come the regulars. Newbies: Your time will come. Except for the grad student requesting anonymity. Ain’t happenin’.

From Kung Fu Joe: People of Networkia can rejoice: I am back. Net: We can just see some schuck lookin’ over from the crossword puzzle, seein’ Fu‘s name and going down to check out Bizarro. Welcome back, slapnuts. Where I was you will never know, but I am here now and that is all that matters. I have returned to address a very serious issue: illeteracy, that, and the recent entries to Net. Net: We’re amazed that people still do this, but here you have it: Another letter from somebody with poor grammar criticizing other people’s poor grammar. Let the games begin. Illeteracy is bad. The recent entries to Net have not been all they should be, that too is bad. Net: At the very least, there should be commas around the “too.” Otherwise, reverse the word order. Minus one point. Where is Rollerdiva or at least where is her understudy. Net: No question mark. Minus three points and a firm spanking. Like illteracy we can combat this drop of in slutty chicks writing in to Network. If every attractive female out there would please take just a few seconds a day we all could be happy (coincidently a few seconds is all it takes for attractive women to please us in other ways but thats not important). Net: Two things wrong here. “That’s” is missing an apostrophe and so what if females take a few seconds? What are they doing in that few seconds? There’s no action. Minus five points, fired. If everyone does there part the world will be a better place. Net: Wrong their. *Laughter* Thank you, and have a nice day.


From Phlegm of Discontent: It has been a while since I’ve written, and I’m sure everyone has missed me. Net: We’re a little tipsy. Who are you and what are we doing here? My new job has made it difficult to find the time to write. Selling guns to kids wearing black trench coats and swastika tattoos is a time-consuming and risky business. Net: Preachin’ to the choir. The FBI, CIA, ATF and a whole menagerie of acronyms are rather displeased with me for some reason. Net: Yar, yar. Fortunately, Janet Reno called off her dogs after I informed her I had pictures of her, several farm animals, and a certain commander-in-chief involved in some amorous entanglements so complex that they would make a contortionist pale. Net: Bill’s flexible. Why doubt it?
But I digress. Net: Geseundheit. With summer here and classes no longer eating away most people’s lives, summer boredom has probably set in. Therefore, before my cookies burn, I present Phlegm‘s Guide to Summer Fun:
1. It is probably a bad idea to drive around the park trying to hit joggers with your car, bike, go-cart or tank.
2. Just because fireworks are illegal in this state doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun blowing stuff up. If cops hassle you, tell them you’ve been drinking a lot of tequila, and you think this is Mexico. Net: Doesn’t work. Trust us.
3. Only pansy-ass kindergartners play with firecrackers. For real fun, get some TNT.
4. Puppies and babies make great chick magnets, so get the leashes and take them for walks in the park. Net: Take a baby for a walk on a leash? GREEAAAAT idea. We never liked our firstborn, anyway. One word: booze.
6. Ogling is both fun and cheap.
7. Make up your own Net: Damn fun, I’ve got beer that needs drinking.


From Nasty McShasty: Yo, Net: Yar? I woke up quick at about noon, just thought I had to be in Compton soon. I gotta get drunk. Net: We don’t agree with your Bart-killing policy, but we do agree with your beer-drinking policy. Ummm, did you guys like that song? Net: *Us, not dignifying slappy here with an answer* Easy E in the house. Speaking of which, my friends and I started a band, The Magnum P.I.M.P’s. Nice, huh? Net: Nothin’ like a band name that combines guns/old TV shows and dumb sex references. We’re enamored. I thought so. We should be on display in like 10 years, because we first need to learn how to play our instruments. So don’t worry, kids, some good-ass music will becoming at ya soon enough, Net: We got 10 years till Nasty tries to hit, so you can still enjoy “American Badass” without worrying about it becoming obsolete. Yet. and I know you all care. Actually, my other band, Blink-182, will be playing a show on Sunday, so that should liven up the summer a bit. So, for all the loser guys like myself, I just wanted to tell you that there will be major honeys there showing their stuff, so we might even get a shot at some play, but I doubt it. Net: Wow, we don’t have any room to be smartasses even. Nice to see Netizens are well-rested and recovering their wits. Speaking of play, there is this one girl who I work with, who I will call Lilian. Net: So what’s the deal with her? So the thing here is that everyone at work thinks she might be bisexual, and this other guy, Kelvinator, wants to hook up with her, but is afraid to ask for a three-way. Tell me, Dr. Date, what should he do? Net: Shut the hell up. Yeah, whatever, I don’t think I’d ask advice from you even if it were as simple as “What is a penis?” Net: From us or Dr. Date? Big difference, slightly. Well, that is all the cobbled-ass sh!t I can think of for one day. I have to go do an NAD Kinase essay right now. Peace. Net: Piece out, fresh-lovin’ G … to hell with it. Time to find some Labatt Blue. Summer = drunk Network.