How to Flirt Football

In high school, I went on a few dates with a guy who now plays for the St. Louis Rams. We were both trying to convince each other that our attraction was something beyond physical and fleeting, but it wasnâÄôt. Our conversations went a little something like this: Me: âÄúI thought you were just a football jockstrap who listened to Barry Manilow while screwing every cheerleader you could get your hands on.âÄù Him: âÄúAnd I thought you were some punk girl who painted her fingernails black and swooned over skater boys.âÄù At which point, he would casually slide his Barry Manilow CD underneath the seat, I would toss my Hurley sweatshirt out the window and then weâÄôd make out. If you know anything about those who go on to play professional football, itâÄôs that they eat, sleep and breathe the sport. Thus, in my ploy of seduction preceding our brief dalliance, I decided I had to know something about football âÄî a tactic that, over the years, I have found to work well in most courting situations. So ladies, hereâÄôs a tip just in time for the sports season on how to score a second date. If you have brothers or an extended family that is overwrought with testosterone such as I do, then youâÄôre in luck. If not, the knowledge of your guy friends will do. Just listen to one of their nonsensical sports chats, pick up a few key words and opinions, and repeat them later to your date in a very cool, nonchalant manner. Generic lines such as âÄúI bet Dallas will beat Seattle this ThanksgivingâÄù are ineffective. Like an academic argument, you need back up your assertion with proof that you actually know what youâÄôre talking about. A better statement would be, âÄúThe Dallas Cowboys are going to be stronger the second half of this season because Tony Romo is back as quarterback.âÄù This shows that youâÄôve been following enough football to know not only that Tony Romo was injured, but how crucial he is to the performance of the team: impressive. Usually, these comments do not warrant a follow-up. Your date will be so shocked that you watch football that heâÄôll be thinking harder about how to impress you than grilling you further on your sports savvy. Occasionally, however, it can backfire. If you say, âÄúThe Green Bay Packers are much better off without Favre. Rogers is really holding his own,âÄù and your date responds with, âÄúWhat do you think of FavreâÄôs performance with the Jets so far? Do you think theyâÄôll make it to the play-offs?âÄù âÄî DonâÄôt Panic. Take a long sip of your beer and feign that you canâÄôt hear him over the din of the bar. Or lean in and whisper, âÄúYou know what? I wish life was more like football. I wish your number was as easy to get as reading it off the back of your shirt. And you could probably get away with tighter pants.âÄù There is definitely something sexy about discovering aspects of your date that youâÄôd never expect, such as a girl dropping football facts or a guy knowing how to salsa dance. Also, I happen to find it even sexier if they later admit that they learned it just to impress you. Please note: This does NOT apply to bestiality. So in the spirit of sport, here are two more one-liners that will be sure to seal the deal. âÄúI wish the Vikings would realize that if they ran Adrian Peterson every play, theyâÄôd win every game,âÄù and âÄúThe Titans will win over Detroit by four touchdowns, no contest.âÄù Game ON. (The columnist would like to thank her dad and brothers for supplying all sports-related material for this column.) Ashley Dresser welcomes comments at [email protected]