Law enforcement PIGS sent to disband unruly students

Mother Jones

Homeowners in University neighborhoods have declared war on University students living in residential areas.

Coming to the rescue of permanent domicile dwellers, the University Police Department has created a new force to staunch college town’s most offensive side effect – the house party.

The Police Investigative Gang of Suppressors unit will combat the abhorrent population of godless college students who have blighted University neighborhoods.

“It seems like college students have been around this area for 150 years. They all seem to belong to some narcissistic cult called the ‘U’,” said Able Retentive, a resident of the Marcy-Holmes neighborhood. “I fear for my kids’ morals around all these students. I told my little girl I’d hit her with my leather whip if I ever caught her talking to these hoodlums.”

Jim Chapel, a PIGS officer, said the unit will infiltrate the inner circles of the University’s most vivacious students in order to penetrate students’ covert party information network.

PIGS officers will wander the streets of Como, Erie, Washington and University avenues in college-like garments and ask kids for “stuff.” Those who answer will be beaten and taken in for questioning.

“The incidents of college vulgarity are many, and the PIGS will answer with vigor,” Chapel said.

Josh Linehus, a University student in his 18th year, said he was just strolling home from a high school reunion when he stopped to urinate on potted poinsettias he thought looked dehydrated.

“I had to pee,” he said.

Mary Jane Repressivenast – owner of the property and the poisonous foliage – witnessed the event and quickly called the PIGS.

As Linehus went to zip up, Chapel and other officers nabbed him and took him into custody.

“College students need to know that we won’t stand for any acts of public urination,” Chapel said.

The Minnesota Daily – a liberal college rag — posted Linehus’ bail. A hearing is slated for next Thursday.

Meanwhile, Linehus said he would continue to urinate in public places as an act of civil disobedience against the PIGS.

In the battle between homeowners and renting students, the residents, who happen to pay annual property taxes, seem to be winning the victory.

Six University students living in the Como neighborhood were evicted Saturday after their neighbor called the police 40 times to report their loud and lewd sexual habits.

“I hear screaming orgasm-like noises from that house at all hours of the night,” said Barb Cinch.

Cinch has lived in her house at 666 27th St. S.E., alone, with her four cats – for approximately 100 years.

She said the girls would frequently have “friends of both sexes” visit them, and it unsettled her to live next to social creatures.

The Sept. 10 Gazette could not find the six evicted residents because they’re probably living on the street and soliciting themselves for showers.

PIGS officers visited the girls’ residence several times, at the behest of Cinch, but said they were not allowed to enter the premises because they were not attractive enough.

University students have complained about the PIGS to the Minneapolis Police Department.

Dessa Wanderer said she doesn’t think the police do much to protect students from Twin Cities’ rapists, crazies and thieves.

“The PIGS were busting up my party and all of the sudden I see three guys smash open my car window and hop in,” she said. “They drove off with my car during the handcuffing and strip search.”

Mike Ruskie has similar complaints. After laying down to take a nap at his friends’ home off of Como Avenue, Ruskie was rudely shaken awake.

“They told me to wake up and get out of the bushes,” Ruskie said.

Chapel said a neighbor had called the PIGS and said there was an unconscious person lying face down in the bushes with a tumbler of scotch in his lifeless hand.

“I laid down to have a cigarette. I was just taking a nap,” Ruskie said.

Despite attempts to translate students’ secret party codes, PIGS have been unable to infiltrate student ranks efficiently.

“I think it’s the clothes,” Chapel said. “All our apparel is from Gold Country. I don’t understand.”

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