Winthrop Winslow was willing to “just be an assistant middle manager or something.”
But simple stooping didn’t do it for the 10th-year senior; Winslow’s anger, exacerbated by the realization that his 15-year struggle to graduate was far from over, boiled over in Fraser Hall on Saturday.
“If I don’t get a ##$&*ing degree this spring, so help me God I’ll beat the bejeezus out of somebody!” Winslow bellowed.
Only the dust, since settled on last quarter’s course guides, was stirred by Winslow’s aching diatribe.
After 10 years of spotty undergraduate studies, Winslow, whose age has been withheld for fear of embarrassment, thought he had enough credits to finally get a degree — in something.
Winslow began tossing computer terminals when the registration lady later told him he would have to “go to Johnston Hall to get his credit audit.” According to police reports, Winslow then began pulling out chunks of his own hair and shoving them in his word hole while screaming like a wild animal.
“I was terrified,” said Betsy Dirtrooter, assistant deflector of responsibility in the College of Liberal Arts. “All I know is Web registration, and this guy wanted me to, like, do the job of an adviser or something.”
Winslow’s plight, obfuscated by his inability to actually locate an advisor anywhere in the college, was still unresolved as of Thursday. Calls placed to the CLA advising office yielded only busy signals and condescending recorded messages.
“As of the end of fall, I’ve got 434 credits,” a calmer Winslow said after the incident. “I just want to ‘walk.’ I don’t even want a job anymore. Heh-heh. Heh.”
Winslow was later spotted talking to a flower bed, wringing his hands and humming “Pomp and Circumstance” to himself.
Analysis of Winslow’s credit audit shows he has yet to fulfill his Peruvian culture, his kinetic literature and his scientific self-awareness with a lab requirements.
Classes in each of those departments will not be available after the semester conversion.
“Sometimes, I think about rainbows,” Winslow said with a faraway look after being told of this fact. “And I love to go riding in the lollipop fields on my cat, Scruffy.”