Net: Two of our favorite topics, squirrels and God, have been merging as of late. We hope to eventually create the Grand Unification Theorem about Life, the Universe and Everything on these very pages someday. But we don’t think this letter will do it. Oh well. We’ll print it anyway, as always.

From Tossedsaladman: Quite frankly, Network, I am most disturbed by the false doctrines being spread by your otherwise fine institution. Net: But we came from MONKEYS, dammit! MONKEYS!!! It has come to my attention that, not only do people keep a constant banter about the squirrels, but now they are claiming there is One True Squirrel. Net: But we came from MONKEYS!!!
That may very well be so, but following the path of the squirrels can be dangerous, considering it is Goldy Gopher who is the most powerful rodent on campus. Net: Really? We always thought the most powerful rodent was John Najarian. (He is also the sacrifice for the world’s sins Net: Only Arne Carlson thinks that. The ALG fiasco was a one-way ticket to purgatory, we think.), but that’s beside the point.) I’m not talking about the guy dressed up as Goldy at sporting events, but the one that punishes the bookstore ladies (the ones you see on the Gopher guide) when they don’t take in enough revenue for his evil empire.
I’m talking about the rodent that bends us over every chance he gets to line his pockets with our tuition and “student services fees.” Net: It’s a MONKEY, dammit! MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!
He’s the one who put Carlson here to facilitate his capitalist greed. But despite Goldy’s evil ways, he is the only way to salvation — not the squirrels, which were put here to test our faith. If you do not repent and follow Goldy, you will be sent to the place of everlasting punishment under the Mall. Net: We like to think of it as the tunnel system. Hey — at least it’s warmer in the winter, when Hell freezes over.


From Scott Adams: Hello, Network. First-time writer, long-time reader. Last Friday I lost a pair of eyeglasses on West Bank somewhere on my walk from the Carlson school building down to the parking lot by the Riverplace Condominiums.
I am a danger on the road without my eyeglasses Net: And that’s why you need a CELL PHONE!, and if someone found them, can you find it in your heart to let me know? Thank you for your help.


From Still Stern about Unions: First let me start by rebutting Mr. Curlee. Your argument about property was poorly thought out. Net: Yeah, Curlee. Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party? Think of the U as the State, and the grad students as the People. Net: More commonly they’re thought of as the cut-rate wanna-be profs who don’t quite know how to write a syllabus yet. The property (asset) in your case is cash. Share the property, share the cash, everyone equal, long live the State.
Secondly, you show signs of doubt about greed. I see a classic example of the grass is greener syndrome. I want what they got; it’s all greed to me. As for your “they are also employees” remark, let me also inform you that I am also an employee of the U, job title: Undergraduate Teaching Assistant. I don’t have any benefits and I work for less than what I am worth. Net: But then, when you see NBA players making an average of $2.6 million on strike, you realize that it all balances out, and really, it is beautiful. While I will agree it isn’t easy, it helps to make ends meet until I reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Net: And the oncoming train fades into you. Pleasant tidings, and have a nice day.
Now for Trademark. I have worked in a nonunion factory. Yes, the pay wasn’t great, and the mandatory OT sucked, but when you need the money to pay the bills you put on the gloves and do what you gotta do. Net: Unless, of course, your father is from Eden Prairie and he doesn’t want you to sweat too hard through undergrad. But you have almost proven my point in your argument. Unionized labor makes almost twice that of nonunionized labor. WHY (outside of paying for union red tape)? And then to go on strike for more on top of that? GREED. Net: Exactly. How dare the workers be greedy when those nice corporate executives are making record profits? Those white-collar guys work HARD coming up with new forms of exploitation, and it’s downright immoral to do anything about it. Right? There is something wrong with getting paid based on having been in the union for 10 years as opposed to getting paid Net: Or not paid, as a nonunion shop may have it for your skill and performance.
My list of “grievances” goes on, but in closing, I would like to remind the grad students still considering bringing this union to campus that once it is here, it is here to stay. Thank you, Trademark and Curlee, for inadvertently proving my point about unions. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Net: And finally …


From Grrrrl: I’m a femi-Nazi and I think you suck major balls. Net: And with that, we send you on your way. Take care, everyone, may the road rise up to meet you and all that, and remember — only the lost causes are worth fighting for. Word out.