Survey says: college students

Vitolo Paradisio,

The U.S. Census Bureau will release today its controversial 20-month, $3.5 million study about university students’ preferences.
Among its findings, it concludes that university students nationwide “want money in whatever denomination they can get their grubby hands on,” according to survey documents.
The study will also show that of all the types of money university students want, “money taken from them by the government” and “money from their lazy-assed parents” top the list.
About 99.9 percent of university students surveyed answered that they want money. The remaining students answered with a pen instead of a lead pencil, which resulted in the results being unresolvable.
“This poll will show definitively that money is definitely on the minds of university students today,” said Wrightsed Fred, spokesman for the census bureau. “Commonly held beliefs that students consider money as secondary to their studies and community service will be jettisoned finally.”
The survey, however, is not without its detractors. Thomas J. Hooker of the Center for Objectivist Studies, a middle-of-the-road think tank in Iowa, objected to the study’s methodology, which he said debased the entire census-taking profession.
“Going door-to-door during reasonable times in the day in campus neighborhoods, asking people questions and writing the answers down is abominable,” Hooker said. “Offering them cheese in return for their time; what will become of independent studies if we resort to that sort of foolhardiness?”
Census officials stand by their methodology, saying that only through delicate and detailed efforts will the issue of students and money come to a head, Fred said.
Among the other preferences reviewed by the survey, — “any light, fizzy beer,” “items sold by the Gap and its subsidiary clothing stores,” and “heavy petting” also top the list in each of their categories, “anytime beverage,” “anytime outfits,” and “anytime pastime” respectively.
The study also breaks down its findings demographically, stating that the respondents with the above-mentioned answers mostly come from Greek-letter-obsessed students and students entering university as sixth-year seniors who enjoy Frisbee-golf.
About 300,000 students participated in the study, including students from the University of Wisconsin-Madison who participated three times to get more cheese.
White House officials hope these findings can help government agencies reach out and touch the lives of students and interns, said a White House spokesman speaking on behalf President Clinton.
“Any way we can get to know the future of America is OK in my book,” said President Clinton through his spokesman.