AS THE FOAM RISES
From Rollerdiva: Sorrow befalls me when I muster thoughts of that Asshole boy who did or did not call the police at Theta Tau the other night. I mean, I wonder when he breathes, and when he does, does the oxygen flow reach his brain or does it get stuck somewhere else, like in his ass? Net: It kinda puts a new spin on that whole “hot air rises” thing, doesn’t it? Really, I think that if that poor boy just slowed down and counted to 10 like they do in those anger-management commercials, he wouldn’t foam at the mouth quite so ardently. Net: At last … Tony Robbins’ message is OUT THERE!
Maybe he could form acute, articulate sentences that make sense to people other than those who drink their beer out of a wide-mouth can. Net: We understood perfectly well, despite our daily ration of six Mickey’s big mouths.
Regarding the rather broad topic of frat parties in general, we all know the best parties are the ones with an open bar and oodles galore of illegal things Net: Sounds like a wedding reception. That is, if you consider a quickie with the bride illegal. — be they illegal substances, illegal sexual practices Net: Tell us more. We’re always looking to spice things up in the boudoir. or illegal cigars. It seems like every fall we have to do this frat parties suck/kick-ass debate. Is it really necessary? Couldn’t we just hand out a manual to incoming freshmen warning them about frat parties, house parties and sex orgies? Net: We pitched the idea of authorship to Noam Chomsky, but he’s waffling. And Ayn Rand — well, you know about people like that … “thinkers.” Pffft. To the gist of, blah, blah, blah, frat party, blah, blah, blah, house party, blah, blah, blah, sex orgy. It’s really boring; if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, except the sex orgies, which are more or less entertaining. You’ve been warned: If you must see for yourself, then so be it. I think that such a manual would seriously decrease the sex crime rate while simultaneously increasing the amount of sex to be had on campus in general. Net: We don’t quite follow your logic, but who are we to argue? If we’ve got a Minister of All Things Even Remotely Sexual, you’re definitely it. Hell, I’ll even THE MORE YOU KNOWwrite the damn thing and distribute it during sexual awareness month.
From AP: I have noticed that the greek system has been referred to quite a lot recently in Network, and frankly, I am a little concerned of the misinformation Net: Welcome to Network: Your Misinformation Purveyor. that everyone has, so here are just a couple pointers: a) Theta Tau is NOT an actual fraternity! Net: Yeah, right, and the Gophers are an actual football HATE-A THETAteam. We tell ya … the things some people will believe. b) If you were at an actual fraternity, you would be drinking Busch Light or “Beast,” not Special Ex.
From Anonymous Poppadopoulos: Dear Network, I am an avid reader of your column, and I was thoroughly amused with Friday’s edition. Net: You and we both. Or something like that. I know that you said you didn’t want anymore IT vs. CLA talks, but this is far from it. So I encourage you to read on.
On Friday someone from the freakish pseudo-fraternity Theta Tau wrote in bragging about their so-called wonderful and full-of-freshmen Net: That sounds like a borderline contradiction in terms; kinda like “weekly newspaper” or “professors.” party that occurred last weekend.
I would like to inform the University population that Theta Tau is nothing more than a bunch of freakish looking, immature 12-year-old boys. LITERALLY!! Net: Be careful, or they might Oxy-10 you to death.
I have had the unfortunate experience of having to be in the same room with these “boys” and was disturbed beyond belief. They are just so gross that you could never understand just by having me tell you about it. Net: Try us. We have powers of comprehension well beyond what you might expect from a run-of-the-mill big-shot entity. You would have to experience it, and I sympathize with anybody who has to go through that THE LITTLE FRESHPERSON WHO COULDtorture.
I hope this gets my point across to everybody and freshmen — Net: We like how you set aside the freshpeople from “everybody.” Nice touch. PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM THEM FOR YOUR OWN SANITY AND SOCIAL STATUS.
From Upset Frosh: Hello, Network! This took a very long time to write because I’m a freshman and therefore by definition don’t understand big words and have the IQ of carpet lint. But I finally did it! Net: Good for you, sweetie! (They’re so cute when they’re that age.) About that last part … this is a message to all you overly smug students out there: GET OFF OUR CASE!
It makes sense to tease and torment freshmen in high school. They’re gawky, awkward, tiny and have a vocal range comparable to any opera soprano. But come on, we’re in college now. We’re all adults here. Net: Maybe, but there just seem to be so many gawky, awkward, tiny adults around. So we’re the youngest. Big f&@king deal. Net: Watch your language, young man. Do you know what the difference is between 18 and 21? Net: The 21-year-olds get the driver’s licenses with the picture on the right side. And they get to pick on the 18-year-olds. Jacks##!t, that’s what. Net: It looks like someone needs to get his mouth washed out with soap. Do you see the MBAs picking on the new grad students? The Ph.D.s teasing people with only a Master’s? Net: Umm … yes, and yes. It’s the order of things; the bigguns pick on the littluns. You’ll do it someday, too, slugger.
Of course not. They realize that it’s pointless and stupid. Who keeps up and defends long-standing University traditions? Freshmen. Who replenishes frats and sororities? Freshmen. Net: And what replenishes the sewage system? Toilets. Who gives TAs a reason for being? FRESHMEN! We’re practically the most important part of this University, for crying out loud. Net: With an emphasis on the “crying out loud” part. We’re not just “hairballs in a drain” like the Network says. Net: Your … speech … was so enlightening, so rousing, we almost started paying attention. A gold star for you, tiger. Now go play in the traffic.