DAILY EXCLUSIVE!!

The University is simply too corrupt at every level of management to “continue this charade of higher education,” University President Mark Yudof told The Minnesota Daily last week.
Conventional wisdom says Yudof is closing the University in anticipation of the impending apocalypse. But according to interviews and documents obtained by the Daily, the president is actually so deeply disturbed by what was revealed in the academic-fraud report last month that he’s decided to “shut this mother down.”
“I looked around this University, and I simply saw no hope for it,” Yudof told the Daily. “Corruption this deep cannot be rectified.”
It all began when Daily staff mole Buck Samuelson obtained a copy of the real academic-fraud report, the one that was never released to the public.
“They knew I knew about it, and they asked me what I would take in exchange for my silence,” Samuelson told the Daily. “I told them I wanted a keg, ’cause my bros were coming to town that weekend.”
“I can’t believe they fell for that one,” Samuelson said, snickering and “still a little buzzing.”
Samuelson works in the Morrill Hall’s uber-secret, subterranean copy shop where the scandal report was produced. It was there that he discovered the real report.
The report paints a stark picture of administrators’ profit motives repeatedly superseding their academic duties.
“What this report really says,” Yudof said, “is that Clem Haskins was following orders from a higher-up source. This source was higher than Dienhart, higher than Boston, higher than even the president.”
Although Yudof would not comment on who that source actually was, the Daily did some investigation.
Walker Lundy, editor in chief of the St. Paul Pioneer Press, vigorously claimed that he had no profit motive in the whole debacle.
“That is absolutely ridiculous. I never ordered Clem Haskins to order those players to cheat in order to write about it and sell a few papers,” Lundy said.
But when the Daily informed Lundy that his name appears in several places in the nonpublic fraud report, he changed his tune.
He directed our investigation to an unlikely source: Tricia Weimar, president of Boise-Cascade paper company. But Weimar also denied any connection between her company and the University.
“Just because we manufacture copy paper and newsprint doesn’t mean Boise-Cascade would trigger a scandal that would use ream upon ream of dead tree fiber,” Weimar said.
“That’s ludicrous,” she added in a weak voice before breaking down into body-racking sobs:
“I was just following orders; I was just trying to put food on my table. Oh, Lord, what have I done? It wasn’t my fault! I don’t have anything against Clem or Dienhart or any of those honest, hard-working guys. If you really want to get to the bottom of this, there’s only one person you need to talk to: Jim Lord.”
Lord is the attorney who represented Jan Gangelhoff after she leaked to the Pioneer Press that she was the author of more than 400 fraudulently written papers for University athletes.
Lord initially refused to speak to the Daily without his attorney present, but later agreed after he remembered that he’s a lawyer himself.
Said Lord: “I irrevocably deny that I had nothing to do with precipitating that scandal that I profited so handsomely from.”
“Wait, no,” Lord added. “I mean that I didn’t have nothing to do with it, er, I didn’t have anything to do with not starting it, no, well, you know what I’m trying to say.”
Three hours later, the Daily’s guerrilla-style interviewing tactics had worn him down:
“Fine, fine, I admit it; I did order Clem to order those players to cheat so that I could create a scandal that would require so much paper that an entire 40-acre swath of forest would have to be clear-cut to meet the demand. And yes, it is no coincidence that my retirement home will be built on that newly cleared site.”
At that point in the interview, Lord’s eyes began to glow azure, and the back of his suit burst out to reveal huge demonic wings.
“And I would have gotten away with it,” Lord said, spreading his black wings to fly, “if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Daisy Xerxes covers her tracks because “they” are following her.