ADVICE TO NEOPHYTES…

ADVICE TO NEOPHYTES

From paulm: Hello Network. Long-time reader, first-time writer. I am finally through with U, Net: A great name for graduations here on campus. “Through with U” festivities. after five long years. It taught me many things, and as I part with this wretched University, I would like to let your faithful followers in on a few secrets I have uncovered while travelling down this long and pointless road. Net: Finally we’ll get to know what’s in that damn secret sauce.
1. There are jobs you can get at the University where you don’t have to do anything but e-mail and read Network. And they pay $8-$10 an hour. Search hard. Net: Most of these jobs are at the Daily.
2. College is a pointless and mind-numbing endeavor. Some professors think students actually want to go to class. Net: Savages.
3. You can get a personal panel on the Washington Avenue Bridge, but you have to make up an organization. Then you can paint anything you want on it. Net: Only in America.
4. Watch out for administration. If this University can screw you, it will screw you. Always be prepared for one more kick in the ass from Goldy, Yudof and friends. Net: Not to mention the men’s basketball team.
5. Anyone can work at the Daily. Net: The word “anyone” in that sentence can be substituted with “meandering, malaria-ridden apes.” Try it, it’s fun!
6. Don’t ever let anyone give you crap about your major. Odds are, they don’t know sh*t either. Net: Unless they’re cyborgs. You can always trust a cyborg.
I know there is supposed to be more to this letter, but like everything else I ever did in college, it must be half-assed. So, take care everyone and have as much fun as possible. Net: Word is bond.

SPRINGFIELD REVEALED

From Radioactive Man: Hello, again, Net! Net: Bueno! Although you were gracious enough to print my last entry, I felt I had a little nugget of information you might find interesting and worthy enough to print me again. Net: This better be about the secret sauce. Over the four long and grueling years I have been at the University, the esteemed Net has always expressed great admiration for “The Simpsons.” Net: You mean the only reason to own a television, besides the late-night re-runs of “Sanford and Son?” Therefore, I think you and the rest of Networkia should know I have solved the 11-year mystery of the state in which Springfield is located! It was in Tuesday’s 5:30 p.m. show. Homer, that lovable chunk of lard, fraudulently filled out an insurance form to get a hair restoring medication. On the form, he has clearly printed “NE” in the “State” box. (For all you who don’t know postal abbreviations, that’s Nebraska.) So there. Never wonder again, Net! My keen eyes have found the truth! Net: Some would call it “truth,” and some would call it the ravings of an insane derelict. But it’s all just semantics. You might even say, to quote Homer, that “I’m the magical man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!”

EAST COAST? WEST COAST?

From Fallout Girl: Hiya Net. I’m writing in response to Radioactive Man. As much as I, too, loathe Dr. Date, I am going to have to defend him. Net: This has the makings of a summer blockbuster. Now, as inane as his compass simile was, there is some truth to it (and I have “evidence,” too!) In my opinion, the people to the extreme west are two different types of people. People such as Radioactive Man described, the guy who “digs only the hottest, most feminine ladies” could actually be gay. My example of this would be the most obvious: fashion designers. Net: Or Richard Simmons. While most male fashion designers are out now, they probably weren’t out in the beginning of their lives. Yet still, they loved to surround themselves with hot, feminine women and dress them up. Net: You think those supermodels really look “feminine” to you? They look like gaunt, curveless little boys. These guys could also be taken a different way: such as the person who is in such denial or in such fear of being “outed” that they surround themselves with women so as to seem like a straight “ladies’ man.” But, perhaps Dr. Date meant it a different way, Net: Much like ancient scriptures, Dr. Date can be deciphered in a variety of ways. such as the person that is so far west they are homophobic. Many a time, people who act homophobic are actually gay. Evidence for this can be seen in “American Beauty.” Net: Or sex studies done showing that men who are the most opposed to homosexuality outwardly are most aroused when shown gay porn. Keep that in mind, ladies, next time your boyfriend goes to Sexworld. Of course, why should we sit around wondering, when Net can go and beat it out of Dr. Date!? C’mon Net, you can do it. No one will know it was you. Net: No, no, dear miss. As you well know, “Violence is not the answer.”

NET IN TROUBLE?

From Lab Attendant 5000: Something is going on around here, Net, and the way I see it there are only two possibilities. Number 1: Dennis Miller has started writing for Network, hence the rant titled “A Midsummer Net’s Dream.” Net: No way. That was 100 percent pure Net. (But first a tangent: why is everyone ripping on Dennis Miller and his new job? Even Tom Brokaw took a poke at him at the end of the Nightly News on Tuesday. No matter what you say about him, he will always be better than the idiot who preceded him, Boomer Esiason.) Net: Yeah, but they had other people they could choose. How about Dom Deluise or the robot from “Lost in Space?” Number 2: This is really a cry for help; (much like a suicide attempt) Net is going through another dry spell and needs people to write in ASAP. Net: We never “need” people to write in. The less letters from you schmucks means the more we can rant and unfurl our literary agenda. Well, Net, I’d love to help out, but as you can see, I’m diligently studying for my final on Thursday and really can’t even spare a second. Better luck next time! Net: Have a chokey day.