WEIRDNESS AFOOT
From Big Toe and Witness: Replying to the encounter you had with the “Foot Romeo” — I got the same line a few days ago. He asked my friend to be a witness to his foot kissing. My friend would like to add that he stated she was JUST a witness. Net: Uh-huh. Just like she’d like you to believe that she’s “just” a friend. I was tempted to see if he would actually do it, but I declined.
From Little Foot: I too have experienced the Foot Kissing Stalker. During fall quarter, I got off of the bus and was accosted by a balding guy wearing a Looney Tunes tie. Net: That’s your first clue. B-dee B-dee B-dee run away folks! Here is an excerpt of our conversation:
Weird Guy: I don’t want you to think I am weird or anything, but would you do me the honor of allowing me to bow down before you and kiss your feet?
Net: C’mon, Little, go for it — it’ll be funny!
Me: No!
Weird Guy: What if I told you that you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen?
Me: Look, I REALLY have to leave now.
Weird Guy: Well, can I at least have your phone number?
Me: NO!!!!!!!
Apparently he still hasn’t thought up a new pickup line … how sad.
From Rollerdiva: Dude! Have I got the dish for Smelly Feet on her crusty foot-fetished admirer. Smelly girl, hold onto your nose, cuz this is just too uncanny to be a coincidence. Net: Roller, YOU are too uncanny to be a coincidence! Two summers ago I worked at the most ghetto of all strip bars “Buns and Roses,” Net: As the night cleaning lady, right? There was this total crustifarian who came in all the time (not too much unlike the crustifarian who you described — pushing 30 and balding, right?) with a major thing for feet. Net: This little piggy went to market. This guy would buy lap dances and just sit there massaging girls’ feet, sucking on their toes all the while just rubbing his face all over our little feets!! Net: This little piggy stayed home. Which is a pretty tasty way for a stripper to go, if you consider that he paid $15 per pair of privileged tootsies to peruse and purloin. Net: And this little piggy went Run, Run, Run, while you can! … all the way home. This guy is crustier than post-crust crust.
DEEP TISSUE MESSAGE
From Morticia: Dear Network, I wanted to let Karebearington (and the University community) know that I have recently been receiving phone calls from a man with a “business” in aromatherapy and massage. He also says he is an artist and musician. Net: He also likes moonlit walks on the beach, old movies and candlelit dinners. He, too, has an accent, although I can’t pick up where he is from. Net: Dantooine. He’s from Dantooine. This man uses strange lines like, “I’m tilting my head like a kitty, looking right inside,” and creeps me out. He offered a two-hour massage for $15 and won’t give me any other sort of information. Net: Two words — Caller I.D.
PHANTOM RANTIN’
From Fourth Year IT Sophomore: I’d like to start off by asking a few questions of all the critics that gave “The Phantom Menace” a bad review: 1) You do this for a living? Net: Isn’t it amazing? They actually have a class for this in the J-School. 2) How did you ever get hired? Net: Critics aren’t hired … they’re just born jackasses. 3) What was the person on that hired you? 4) How do I contact them to get some? and 5) Are you just plain stupid?
“The Phantom Menace” was a great movie; it was everything I expected and more. I don’t see how anyone could see this movie and leave without being in awe. Net: Certain sensory impairments, like no brain activity. The special effects were astounding, the acting superb, Net: Heh heh … no, actually, the acting did suck and the plot left little to be desired. Go see “The Phantom Menace”; just like sex, it will leave you craving more.
From Skeletor: As a true “Star Wars” fan, and as a rational person, I must agree with Deez Nutz that Jah-Jah Gabor was quite weak. Net: More than weak. Dreadful. He and his kind were actually lamer than Wicket and the Ewoks. Hell, at least the Ewoks could fight in their own furry, sad way. But my favorite parts were that a young Greedo creature was Anakin’s friend — perhaps it was Greedo himself — and the long-necked Jedi master, who I call Longneck McJedi-Johnson. He is my new favorite Jedi. You know damn well that long-necked bastard has had some kick-ass adventures, and I’d like to know what they were. So Lucas, (I know you read the Daily), think about it, please. One more thing, I’d give queenie a ride on my pod racer any old time.
From SoItGoes: I, like many red-blooded teenage males, have put down my Nintendo 64 controller on Wednesday, and trekked Net: Easy there with the loaded verbs, James T. Kirk to the local googleplex and witnessed the first chapter of what is known to many of my brethren as the “Holy Trilogy.” (I think we need to change that name now ’cause it’s not a trilogy anymore, and sextilogy doesn’t have that same ring to it, ya know?) Net: Hmmm … sextilogy. Actually, we like the ring to that a lot. Don’t let the mall preachers hear that, or I’m gonna go to hell without collecting $200. Anyways, on to the review … It was jedi-licious. Spectacular and breathtaking and all around kick-ass. The lightsaber fight scenes make you wonder if Mark Hamill and Sir Alec Guinness were using flashlights. George Lucas has made a remarkable movie without spending large amounts of time focusing on minutiae like dialogue. It is a proper and fitting tribute to the preceding, erm … following(?) trilogy. I give it the SoItGoes Stamp of Approval, and suggest that everyone spend an exorbitant amount of money to see it many times. And one last thing, if I may be so bold, I would like to nominate Tin Star’s “Viva” as the official song of the revolution against King T. Not only is it applicable, the video also features a little S&M, which is just an added bonus for those Networkians who like to get a little freaky. Net: You know who you are, and so do we. Have a nice, freaky weekend everybody. May Jar Jar be written out of the script. Good morrow.
