BUS-TED
To Billie Joe from Yngwie: Sigh. Why must Billie Joe whine about the Campus Connector when there are bigger bus problems on campus? He is probably just crabby because although Daddy bought his car and his parking contract, apparently Daddy didn’t provide him with a limo to take him from his SUV to class. Net: Wouldn’t it be nice if they had little shuttle carts that tooled around campus, kinda like the ones at The Big Mall, only they wouldn’t be reserved for people who smell like moth balls? Oh yeah, and we should have Jetsons sidewalks that go across The Big Bridge. Thus, Billie Joe was late for his CSOM recitation on “How To Be An Uppity F&@k 1001.” Poor baby! No, the Campus Connector is not the problem. The problem lies with the new 10th Avenue Bridge Circulator. Net: WHAT? MSA’s much-ballyhooed baby? Everyone knows MSA doesn’t create problems; it solves problems. And if you believe that, we’ve got some football bats we’re looking to unload … It’s bad enough that it only runs a few hours during the day and not over what most people would consider the lunch hour. But now things are so crowded on those damn buses that people are being turned away. Net: Perhaps they’re showing 3-D porn inside. Considering the fact that they only run every 15 minutes, that leaves a lot of people S.O.L. Net: Scampi or Lobster? I know it was such a big accomplishment for MSA to get the circulator back, Net: It was also a big accomplishment to reach quorum. Keep up the good work but if our esteemed president wasn’t stewing his brain with demon rum, he might have realized this is hardly a solution. Net: Perhaps some angel rum would be more appropriate. Replace those damn retard racers with a real bus! Net: Just make sure they keep the wavin’ Goldy around. He’s so frickin’ cute we could puke. And how about running the buses all day? Wow, what a concept! If money is a problem, I have two solutions: The University can either get rid of those pointless East Bank Circulator routes, or we can increase parking rates again Net: Don’t get us started on this one. P&T is the devil incarnate and have Billie Joe‘s Mommy pay for it. Either way, better make it damn quick.
STICKY SUBJECT
From CurryGrrl: I’m sure by now that you are sick of people writing in exclusively with gripes about life, love, etc. Net: Don’t lissen to her! We’ll take all the etc. we can get! So I will begin my letter by saying that I hold Network dear to my heart and feel privileged that I can allude to it in my daily interactions with other Networkians. Keep up the wit, sass and general irreverence. Net: Sorry, irreverence isn’t in the job description. Now, for the main point of my letter: etiquette concerning posting of literature. Net: Rule No. 1: Don’t do it. I spent an hour today in the cold posting up flyers for a Bill Bradley Net: He’s the basketball player, right? event all over West Bank, the bridge, etc., only to find on my way home from night class tonight that they had all been strategically covered up with ads for the “Three Minute Hero” show. Net: In our book, true heroes gotta go at least five minutes. Mind you, when I posted my signs, I made sure to post them over ads for events that had already happened or over Varsity Books ads (we all know that there are far too many of those). Can’t everyone be as respectful as me? Net: We wonder if graffiti artists suffer the same sensitivities. To the “Three Minute Hero” culprit (you know who you are, you dirty bastard!!): Why me? What the hell do you have against me? Net: More flyers? I hope all of your posters get covered up so you can see all of your hard work destroyed. Learn the proper etiquette, dammit!! Thank you, Network, for giving me a forum in which to educate the masses. Net: And thank you, CG, for the opportunity to nod off.
HALLEY-JOO-JAH!
From Jesus Freak: Hi, Network … Two quick things: Net: Good. We gotta go bad.
1. It’s people like Pat Buchanan and Brother Jed that give Christians a bad name. Net: “Pat and Jed” would made a great Sunday morning cartoon strip. “Well, howdy, Jed! What’s tricks?” “What say you, Pat? Tricks? BURN IN HELL, INFIDEL!!” OK … maybe not on Sundays. As far as stereotyping goes, Christians, like me, get the shaft because of people like them.
2. The Christian Right is neither. Net: Speak the word, sister!
Have a great day!
STICKY SUBJECT, PART DEUX
From The Feeblest Of All Wookies: Hello, Net, what’s your sign? Net: “Don’t Even THINK Of Parking Here.” Well, so much for the goddamn 3-D porno. I bought tickets early for last Friday night’s skin-flick, but my dumb ass bought one ticket fewer than we had people in our group. Net: What’s that old saying about the best … ahem, laid … plans? So I opted to let the others go in and take the chance of not getting a ticket. Net: Or a boner. Well, I did get a ticket, but some douche bag stole a bunch of tickets, so I was told I could not go in. So I was left to go home and Net: masturbate and then drink my sorrows away Net: until the mood struck again. So to the guy or gal who took the tickets: You can go straight to hell!! Net: The way we see it, two Commandments were broken in this instance. 1) Thou Shalt Not Steal, and 2) Thou Shalt Not Dig Groovy Porn (Too Much), Man. So the hell thing probably won’t be a problem. I think you caused the poor U Film Society guy a heart attack. Net: If that didn’t do it, the image of a set of virtual nuts slapping him in the head probably would. On a different note, screw professional sports (except hockey)!! You cannot watch a football, basketball or baseball game anymore without seeing some rich prick Net: Sometimes innuendo is mere overkill dance around after making a mediocre play. Net: ALERT! ALERT! ABRUPT TANGENTIAL THOUGHT APPROACHING!! Does anyone else think Kurt Warner’s wife looks like a lesbian?
