From Proposition: My roommate is going to get married this June, only he doesn’t know who the bride is going to be. Net: We might be able to help. What catalog is he ordering from?
He set the date to avoid having to answer the question of when he was going to tie the knot. That was years ago.
However, now the date approaches and his closest friends have set up an unbelievable campaign to find him a bride: a cable ad, a Web site, invitation flyers, a cake, music, a venue at Minnehaha Falls, rings, the whole nine yards. Net: Have they tried giving your roommate a personality yet? The thing is, he is going to have no say in the selection. Net: And, if you look at the choices many men make, that might be a good thing.
He actually agreed to not have any vote in the matter. Net: Always good to know your limitations. And by vote, I mean just that. The attendees of the “Bridal Mixer” and wedding festivities are going to be responsible for the craziest aberration of democracy ever conceived. Net: As long as they don’t elect any lesbians — we’re pretty sure the relationship wouldn’t work.
They, including anyone who shows up, will decide who the lucky lady is. There are 19 candidates, and the list grows daily.
I have never really seen a wedding that I can say I will never forget, but this will be the one. Can you imagine if it actually works out? I have images of organizations that help find nominations for people looking to get married Net: Starting with the sororities, like the dating game, only you’re the one who gets married. It would really add a new perspective to this sickeningly maudlin wedding tradition we have mired ourselves into. Net: And probably cause the wedding industry, and thus capitalism itself, to collapse. At worst, it doesn’t work out for them, and they join the rest of society, slightly injured but all the wiser.
Is this not the ultimate date? Pun intended. I figured this was a little too much for Dr. Date, so I had to put it to the Network. Net: We’re flattered — we think.
Is this just wrong, or was Alan Bjerga right (heaven forbid) Net: Definitely the first sign of the Apocalypse when he said, “Marriage is everything weddings are not. They’re controlled by the unexpected.” How’s that for a bit of spice in life? Whatda y’all think? Net: We don’t know — that’s for the readers to decide. Nuptials seem to be bursting out all over. Any thoughts?
From The Random Room: We at the Random Room were extremely disappointed in you, oh Network. You were handed a perfectly random Monty Python quote in Evergreen’s “open mind” rant, and you missed it! Net: Look. We have standards. There are Renaissance Festival veterans among us, and if they hear one more Monty Python joke they WILL impale you. Remember, coconuts don’t migrate.
We hope that this performance is in no way related to the campus’ infiltration by the knights who say “ni” (Or maybe it’s the squirrels). We prescribe a vigorous training program designed to elevate your knowledge of popular culture, keep an open mind, slack off in those classes and survive until summer. Seek a program that specializes in repeated mindless viewing of Monty Python. Net: Great. Then maybe we can be one of those people in bars who repeat everything John Cleese has ever said, think “Time Bandits” was the greatest film ever, and pull you aside to tell you the origin of the band name Toad the Wet Sprocket.
On an unrelated note, does anyone know why goldfish fade? Net: Very expensive laser treatment gets rid of the gang identifications. Ours is losing his black markings! Aaaaaaah!

From I’ll Never Go Hungry Again: Well, oh mighty, powerful Network, the end of the year is almost finally here, and I anticipate nothing more than going back home to gain back some of the weight I lost while trying to stomach the foul food of Aramark.
Like most guys wanting to get a little more buff, I looked forward to the legendary “freshman 15.” Net: You are a warped soul. Not at this school! I’ve kept my mouth shut all year about this, but now I feel as though I am ready to rampage.
A few words to Aramark: It’s easy for you to slop garbage on a plate for us with a smile, because at the end of your workday, you can simply take off your apron and go home to wherever it is you live. Net: It is a little-known fact, of course, that the Aramark people all live in the same bungalow just outside of Frogtown. You can cook yourself a warm, hearty meal straight from your own kitchen to fill your tummy with.
Meanwhile, back at the dorms, we either go hungry for the night, wondering what tomorrow’s tasty morsel will be, or we sit on the can all evening because of whatever it is we ate that night.
Come on, guys. I’m going to say something you’ve probably heard a thousand times before, and yes, I’m sure it’s a bit cliched by now, but we are PAYING to eat the food here. No student expects the Mystic Lake buffet Net: We did, but when we figured out that The Fabulous Thunderbirds wouldn’t be performing every night, we knew we were in the wrong place, but we do expect QUALITY, EDIBLE, NUTRITIOUS FOOD that won’t make us sick. It’s not a difficult concept.
A closing statement to Aramark — in the words of one Territorial Hall resident from a comment card, “Hungry people do desperate things, and we are about to eat YOU for dinner.” Net: Sounds like yet another revolution is building in our humble space. Bring it on! By the way, the missing cat announced Tuesday has been found. We knew you’d rest easier if you knew that. And go ahead — have a restful day.