Net: IT’S HERE! The 2000 NETWORK SUPER HAPPY CRAZY FUN CONTEST is here! The object is carefully hidden (again, it’s NOT a medallion) and we wholeheartedly suggest you skip EVERY CLASS this week and spend every waking hour searching campus for the object. Today’s clue:

The contest is on!
Don’t get yourself in a bind:
It’s not on East Bank

There. That wasn’t too obvious, was it? Happy searching. Remember to send us the SUPER SECRET CODE WORDS when/if you find the object. Notice that there aren’t any IT/CLA letters in today’s episode (##624 — Test of Desire)? We have grown tired of that discussion Á

From WingMAN: Well hello there, and how are you doing? Net: Snush foon perf sdon What? Net: We dunno Á sorry You ask about me, Net: No Á well, not to bitch too much, I could be better. First of all, what is up with the weight room at the Rec Center? Net: It’s where people go to mate, or so it seems How long before they gather enough brain cells together and figure out that they need to build more shelves. Net: More shelves? You mean more than NINE people use the weight room at one time?! Insanity Á Every day problems happen due to the fact that there is nowhere to put your stuff without getting charged an arm and leg. So, damn it, buy more shelves. The second thing that has made me unhappy of late is the coaching legend Net: And Sconnie bastard himself has now retired, Dick Bennett. You may not like his style of play, but he did one thing the U could not do, Net: Enjoy sexual relations with his players? run a clean program and still win. Tears will be shed in Wisconsin. Net: Actually Sconnies can’t cry, they lack tear ducts among other important body parts So I leave today with a little poetry.

Dickie B is gone
sad I will be, sun has set
maybe now fast game

From oneofthebsc: Hey Net. I’d like to tell the person who wrote in on Thursday about how they threw away all the pro life inserts that THEY DO NOT THINK WELL. I don’t have their name because I misplaced my issue of the Daily for that day (alas it is the only one missing from my hallowed collection Net: Back issues are available for a reasonable $50 per issue, $250 for an autographed back issue), but you know who you are. Thank you so very much for fighting the horrible daemon that is free press. Net: To end this horrible misconception: THE MINNESOTA DAILY HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONTENT OF THAT INSERT. They pay us, we insert the supplement. Pro-life, Pro-choice, Pro-incest, Pro-pants, Pro-hockey, Pro-whatever: If you got the scratch, you can stick your insert in the crotch of our paper Who are you to go around editing what others can and can’t see? Only Net can do that. It’s a good thing yo momma doesn’t think like you do or you wouldn’t even be here. Attention pro-choicers: You had a choice in the first place. You chose to bang some dude. That is how babies are made. Didn’t momma tell you that? Net: Well, goodbye IT/CLA debate Á *sigh* Let the flames begin While on the subject of killing things, it should be the goal of all University students and staff to kill one mouse or rat a day. Our fair campus has become infested. Plunkett’s pest control is trying their best, but they need our help. So, seek them out. Step on their heads, or turn them in to the CBS students so they can test bleach on them. NiceNeasY, check out for all your cranking needs. In closing:

Adieu Dr. Date
Daily, No more cartoons
More room for Net, rah.
Net: This might actually be the case! Y’all will just have to wait till spring semester Á

From Sad_Gurl: Hey Net, I’m having a really bad day. Net: We’ll make it all better, baby. Tell us where it hurts. We’ve got some medicine for that Á in the bedroom Á During my morning classes I lost a framed black and white photograph that I was going to enter in an art show today. It could have been found in Vincent, Akerman, or Amundson Hall, or Espresso Expose. I have checked these places already, but if someone found it, could you please email Net so that I can get it back? It has no money value, but it’s very important to me. Thanks a lot!

From AttachedITStudent: Since you refrained on Wednesday from printing my terrible theory of him whose name we shall not speak, and cut out my glorious haiku, Net: Hey, space constraints are a bitch I am forced to resubmit my haiku, plus several feet more (Simpsons reference. Hint, think Radioactive Man episodes).

Spam on hot griddle
I cook it up way too fast
yuck, salmonella

Daikatana sucks Net: Tell that to Romero
Never speak of it again
Instead, hot mom sex

Net says: “you NUT mom”
Big bad lie. Me no NUT mom.
Rather NUT a goat.

Nate Melcher is evil.
Gnome is a big NUTing dork.
They must burn in hell.

Sayonara Net. na na na na na na na na NetWORK!

Net: Guess that’s it for today. Good luck on the hunt, and be sure to tune in for tomorrow’s clue. For an even earlier look at the clue, check, our e-cyber-net-interface-web-WYSIWYG-ram-bios-ether-superhighway-page on the INTARNUT.

Net: Confidential to Village Person: Thank you for the nice picture. GOODBYE PANTS! WOOHOO!