Net: We’d like to…

Net: We’d like to mention that, of our regular writers, The Anagrammist is one of our most prized. She returns with her commentaries on the affairs of the day:

From The Anagrammist: Here are some anagrams:
Monica Lewinsky: I now mask nicely
Knows I’m nice lay
Silky, nice woman
Ya! I’m known slice!
Linda Tripp: I plant drip
Eleanor Mondale: On no lame leader
Kenneth Starr: Rent shark net
William Clinton: Low ‘n’ illicit man

Net: Today we are printing our last Super Bowl entries, fearing signs that a “Vikings suck!” “No, Packers suck” debate is about to begin. As law enforcement paragon Barney Fife once said, “Nip it in the bud.” (Or was that Cheech Marin?)

From Buzz: Remember that scene in “A Christmas Story” when the Bumpus’s dogs eat all the turkey? The narrator is in hysterics, yelling “No turkey! No turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey pot pie, turkey a la king, or gallons and gallons of turkey soup! It’s gone! All gone!” That’s what I was reminded of today as I made my way around campus. No Packer hats! No Packer sweatshirts, Packer socks, Packer jackets, Packer cheeseheads, Packer earrings, or Zubaz Packer pants! Net: Good thing M.C. Hammer wasn’t here to see that. It’s gone, all gone! I wonder what brought about this sudden improvement in the fashion sense of Wisconsinites? Something must have happened this weekend.

From McGee to Chet: I’m not sure where you get off calling the Packer fans fair-weather. I was out on Monday as well, and I saw plenty of Packer hats, sweatshirts, keychains, and other assorted memorabilia. Net: Is the ARC having another clothing drive? The only reason I wasn’t decked out myself is because all my gear is in the wash.
I’ll admit that plenty of Minnesotans hopped the bandwagon last year when the Packers became the Super Bowl champions, and now that The Pack is no longer technically the best team Net: They never were all that great technically. Just look at Brett Favre’s interception total, they have lost their enthusiasm. I don’t blame them. They’ve always been fair-weather fans, cheering their teams, especially the Vikings, when they’re doing well and kicking them in the ass at the first mistake. Net: Yeah — much better to spend hours and hours of your life supporting incompetent losers, building them stadiums and accepting multi-million dollar contracts for second-rate talent. How fulfilling. No wonder their teams are threatening to pack up and leave.
As for the Super Bowl loss itself, I for one was pleased that the game was actually exciting. Far from being the “lowly Denver Broncos,” the AFC actually fielded a competitive team this year, who wanted the title much worse than probably any other team in the NFL. Net: Not only that, but Elway aside, this year’s Broncos were the most NFC-ish of the AFC teams in the Super Bowl. Translation: For the first time since the Raiders won it in ’84, the AFC team had a running game. To you, Winston, I hate to remind you that the Super Bowl is a game just like any other, not a staged event (millennium-spanning halftime show and beer commercials aside), and as a game is subject to many variables, making the conclusion far from foregone.
The Packers remain the only team in the NFL whose true fans (who, in many cases, are also the owners) will stand by their team no matter what happens, as thirty years of loyalty to good-natured but half-assed Packer teams will attest to. Net: Where have you gone, Eddie Lee Ivery? I’m sorry if they offended anyone by not producing a factory-process NFC win.

From Mickey D: These are my predictions for the rest of the year:
Fidel Castro recently allowed the Pope to visit Cuba and also allowed Christmas to be celebrated for the first time in many years. People wondered why he would allow something so opposed to his past decisions. The true reason will be revealed: He has been smoking more than just fine Cuban cigars, and, unlike his illustrious American counterpart, he did inhale.
Speaking of Clinton, more scandals of women will flood the magazines and newspapers this year. In fact, it will be found that there is only one woman in Washington D.C. who has not been romantically involved with him in the last 10 years: Hillary.
I predict that Saddam Hussein will once again start a military campaign against his neighboring countries. But this time will be different. This time President Clinton will unleash the most powerful weapon in the entire U.S. arsenal, a doomsday device that is certain to any who see it dead in their tracks. That’s right, he’s sending General Janet Reno behind the lines of Iraq wearing only a thong bikini and lip-syncing to the song, “All that she wants.”
After successfully cloning a sheep, more and more scientists will come forward asking the next big question, “If we can do it with animals, why can’t we do it with people?.” Surprisingly, this is exactly what approximately 17 percent of all farm boys have already been asking for years now.
And, finally, the issue of what is to happen in the aftermath of Super Bowl XXXII will be brought to life. Before the game, the Packers quarterback, Brett Favre was asked what he would do if he would do if his team lost. He replied by saying, “Well, I guess suicide is always an option.” Many people think that he was kidding when he made that remark, but he wasn’t. Witnesses have already reported seeing him at music stores everywhere, buying up CDs by the Spice Girls and Hanson. It would appear that he has planned a most painful death for himself. Net: Ouch. Hey — thanks for the entries. More scandal comin’ your way, and have a groovilicious day.