OH, WHAT TANGLED WEBS WE
Net: Sometimes, in our never-ending service to the University community, we see the same things on our readers’ minds. A surge of intellect, one might say. A thirst for fine drink. Today we sample these things.
From The Random Room: Oh, omniscient Network — Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires. Net: That’s not true. We can each do our part. Just remember: Never wear flannel pajamas, don’t smoke near the nitro and take down those old Christmas trees! Together, we can make a safer America.
Caffeine!! Caffeine!!! Oh, for caffeine on this colossal campus. Not the mediocre jolt from coffee or Coke, but that blessed, unnatural yellow substance which thousands rely upon for consciousness daily. YES!!! Where’s the DEW???????? Net: It’s inside of us, and inside of you. And together, we can bring morning to America.
“Help! Help! I’m being repressed!!”
(Monty Python applies to all facets of life.)
Do your patriotic duty. Net: And build a better America. Extinguish all campfires and avoid Surge. No green pop should taste orange.
From Titan: Hello there benevolent Network. Each year I read with amusement the IT/CLA debate, so I thought I would write in my bit.
Also, because of all the poems coming in lately, my two cents came into my mind in the form of a poem while I was sitting in my CSci 3311 recitation (I’m in IT) Net: Ah-ha. Our agenda-setting power strikes again. Watch it. Pretty soon all of our responses will be written in limerick form, and then this campus will become collectively obsessed with girls from Nantucket and the like. You laugh? You think we jest? Beware — the media is ALL-POWERFUL:
I’m sitting in class in my third year of school,
Laughing at those who think they are cool.
IT or Carlson, CLA and more,
All need a swift kick right out the door.
All of this bickering about who is best,
Is just not the answer, there’s no real test.
But I know of something that causes me worry,
Something that came last year in a hurry.
Coca Cola Co., the bane of the Dew —
When the Surge turned on I thought I was through.
Large mountains of snow, colored lime green,
Now a huge can of Citra, I think that I’ll scream.
But alas, woe is me, there’s nothing to do,
I think I’ll have water — and how about you?
Thanks for your time.
P.S. Of course I mean bottled or filtered water, as the water from drinking fountains or faucets is quite fishy.
From Anubis: A poem, to my one, true love:
Ode To Alcohol
Attend! O, drunken muse,
Make swiftly here with drink!
Elixir’s golden gallons
Burn my eyeballs pink.
Though the stomach protests
And all the limbs depress,
The mind rejoices; giving thanks
For the chemical’s sweet caress.
Net: Thank you for your thoughts, Anubis. We continue to be amazed at the prolific poetic output that comes from across the campus. We appreciate that you write about things for which you care deeply. Now, get a life and write rhapsodies about nature or Bohemians or something. Variety is the spice of life.
From The Claw: O, Magnificent Network, I have a warning for anybody who lives in the Dinkytown/Como area. There is a thief who likes to PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
enter people’s houses under the guise of being a roommate’s friend. In a house with five or six people it’s impossible to keep track of everyone’s friends Net: That’s why it’s so important when selecting roommates that no one you live with has friends. Friends have been found to increase one’s chances of falling prey to the twin evils of sex and smoking. Also, friends decrease one’s time doing all-important homework. But since you’ve made the mistake of having roommates with friends, we guess we’ll have to hear you out. It’s easy to assume that a stranger in your house is visiting a roommate.
This guy entered my house on Wednesday at around noon and started looking through rooms. I heard a cat squeal Net: MUHRREOWWW!!, and I opened my door to find this guy I had never seen in my house before. He apologized for stepping on the cat and started to leave my house. I went to the bathroom, and during that time he went into my room, saw my video camera lying by the door, and seized the opportunity to take it. Net: Wow! Your girlfriend must be mortified. By the time I got out of the bathroom he was gone.
Police suspect he burglarized another house one block away about two hours later. He is African-American with facial hair. He’s about 5’10”, weighs around 150 pounds Net: You just described Kirby Puckett on a Slim-Fast diet. You are not helping us, and was wearing a blue backpack. If you see a guy matching this description in your house posing as a friend of a roommate or scoping out your house, make sure to call the police. Net: And if you happen to fit that description and you have to drop by for some reason, make sure you already have an attorney lined up. You’ve got a huge civil rights settlement waiting for you.
Thanks for your time, Net. I’d love to see this guy caught and get my camera back. Net: And we wish you the best of luck. Neighborhoods, keep on the lookout. And be careful out there.
