CHECK YOUR HEAD
To Messed in the Head from Petunia: You’re not losing your mind, you’re totally sane. I only wish everyone else could come to grips with the fact that people simply shouldn’t have to interact, it’s honestly much more pleasant that way. Net: It’d be hard to get it “your way” at Burger King. You’re not at all alone. I spend the majority of my day wishing the entire population would go straight to hell and leave me alone. Perhaps you wouldn’t notice this from my exterior, I tolerate people and I think some of them even enjoy my company. Inside, however, I am reeling in disgust over the morons I have to put up with on a regular basis. Net: Ahh … you’ve been to Burger King. I wish I could offer some sort of support, but I haven’t found an easy way to cope myself. I’d say we could hang out sometime and be bitter together, but I am pretty sure that deep down we would just be repulsed by each other. Be strong. Net: Sounds like a match made in stomach acid.
MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DOO
From Phlegm of Discontent: I would like a moment of silence for a dear, departed friend of mine. It’s been only a few days since his untimely passing and already I’m nostalgic for the many times he hurled his feces at my coworkers. Mr. Crapflinger (Rhesus ##5332 to his friends), was always my favorite lab monkey. I will always remember the cute way his eyes crossed whenever I or my assistant injected him with a new virus or drug. Or the time he became a super-intelligent monkey god and caused a massive simian revolution in the lab. Net: Of course, Zira and Cornelius’ efforts were thwarted by the evil, obtuse Dr. Zaius. DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! The guards were none too pleased about being covered in banana peels! And then there was the time the parachute on the space capsule failed to open. Even though he was in traction for 6 months, he still made everyone laugh with his efforts to chew away his cast. Even though he was limping and missing his tail, he sure seemed eager to get back in that space capsule. One time, when we were out drinking, he admitted that he hated my guts and wished I was dead. What a kidder!
Alas, his life was tragically cut short. A few days ago, some animal rights activists broke into the lab, trashed our equipment, and kidnapped Mr. Crapflinger from his cage. They released him into the city, where he was subsequently run over by a new Volkswagen Beetle on I-94. Everyone in the lab is pretty shaken by this tragedy, and only time can heal our wounds. Mr. Crapflinger was more than just a lab monkey, more than just a partner in science; he was a dear friend and he will truly be missed by all.
A-NI-MALS! AA-NI-MAALS!
From Charlie Root: I’m writing in response to Johnny Quest’s rant about the “dumb-ass” hanging from Moos Tower on Thursday. First, I’m guessing that “dumb-ass” has nothing to do with intelligence, because your letter had the wit of about a first-grader. Net: HEY! We know some damn funny first-graders, pal! Second, why does this protest upset you so much? Was the protester doing anything directly to ruin your day? For some reason, I think if you would have lived in a different time you would have argued against those “wackos who want equal rights for women and minorities.” What are they thinking, right? Actually, the same arguments that were used in denying women and minorities equal rights are now used against animals. Net: We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all non-plant life is created equal. Hmm … an interesting idea, but who will think of the plants? It is a shame that you did not attend the animal research lecture at Coffman Union. Dr. Ray Greek, former anesthesiologist, addressed some of your concerns. I would really like you to think about the following: 1) If human medical products are tested on rats, does it make sense that products for rats be tested on humans? Why not? Net: Ahh … funny — the only “rat product” we can think of is rat POISON. And most people wouldn’t fit into rat traps.
2) Would you give your life to find a cure for cancer in rats? Why not? Net: (Exasperated hemming and hawing) … aw ferget it.
3) If someone who profits from animal exploitation says animal research is necessary, and someone who doesn’t says it is useless, who should you believe? Net: Ralph Nader. And Yoda. And Dana Scully. Who has more motive in making you believe one or the other?
Participation in any political group whose views do not agree with the majority requires a significant amount of rational thought. It’s sad that Johnny Quest and others don’t take the time to examine both sides of the argument and make an informed decision for themselves.
From NotLeather: Hi Johnny Quest! Thank you for your intelligent critique of the gentleman who dangled from Moos Tower on Thursday. Like all participants in social movements, I’m sure he would never have done this if he’d known that “daily flow” would be disrupted. Net: Is that why they call this newspaper a “rag?” The fact is, this heroic person was willing to risk falling to his death in order to draw attention to the embarrassing procedures taking place in University laboratories. The “nice doctors and scientists” to whom you refer are currently wasting millions of dollars per year on methods that are ineffective and deceptive — methods that have been denounced by many of the vivisectors themselves. You do have one valid point, though. The activist could volunteer his own body for research. That would be perfectly acceptable from an ethical standpoint, but only because he would be a volunteer. Net: If we knew how many people are just aching to volunteer to be subjects of medical research, he wouldn’t be the only one. The 140,000 animals used in research each year by the University are not volunteers. Just as abolitionists were called “anti-white” and women’s rights groups were called “anti-male,” people like Johnny Quest have called animal rights groups “anti-human.” The fact that rights for blacks and women resulted in a relative decrease in the rights of white men (the “right” to treat them like objects, etc.) did not stop people from recognizing that the inequality needed to end.
Net: We couldn’t agree more. Now where did we put that Whopper?
