How to find love on campus

Are you single this Valentine’s Day? Here’s some flawless advice that will get you hitched in no time.

Ian J Byrne

Feeling lonely this ValentineâÄôs Day? Have no one to wine and dine at Loring Pasta Bar? Looking to be that Don Juan (pronounced “joon” for Lord Byron fans) or Donna Juanita (pronounced Español style as, unfortunately, Lord Byron never got around to writing that poem) you always wanted to be? Stop! Get off OkCupid and Craigslist before you meet Julian Assange or a New York congressman.

To find true love one must come to a conclusion: interwebs only offer delusion. True ease in lovinâÄô comes from art, not chance âÄî follow these secrets to enhance your romance.

The University of Minnesota offers many options for singles. From Iowan farmers to former Wayzata homecoming queens, there is no doubt that everyone can find true, everlasting love.

Is there someone you particularly admire in a class of yours? Tread carefully. If you screw this up, itâÄôs going to be a long and awkward rest of the semester. Popping the question in discussion section has an opportunity cost, however: You wonâÄôt be able to mack on anyone else under the judgmental eye of your failed potential lover. We all go to class under the guise of learning when really weâÄôre just “driven to be lovers.”

The best approach to finding an “in” with a classmate is to sit next to them. Do they always pick the front? Take a seat next to them and say, “CanâÄôt believe we scored front row seats!” followed by an admission of how interesting you find the class, regardless of whether you do. If they hide in the back, take a seat and say “I feel like I need a pair of binoculars sitting in these nosebleeds,” followed by agreeing with and laughing kindly at whatever they say. Whether they like attending sporting events or live theater, you, my friend, will be “in.”

Coffman Union offers its fair share of opportunities as well. Fancy that babe or beau lounging in one of those “comfy chairs” that the campus tour guide sold you on so long ago? It looks like everyoneâÄôs studying, but really they are ripe for the picking. All you need to do is approach them and say, “IâÄôve got 250 bucks of Flexdine, would you like to join me for lunch?” Coffman basement offers an exquisite selection of fine cuisine from such restaurants as TopioâÄôs, Panda Express, and Chick-fil-A.

Love will be in the air, as a novice pianist plays upstairs, serenading you two lovebirds as you share stories of disillusionment about the weather or complain about the price of textbooks.

Another move you could make to transform yourself into a Casanova is to treat the person in line in front of you at Starbucks. Listen up gentlemen, all you need to say is, “Excuse me, IâÄôve got that venti double skinny extra hot double foam ice white mocha covered.” Hand the cashier your U Card and smile at your newfound love. Using Flexdine to find love creates a euphoria similar to that of selling your textbooks back for more than $30.

Perhaps you already know what you want. Are you a woman looking for a well-grounded and potentially successful man? Head on over to the Carlson School of Management. Approach anyone and say, “Most guys I know who are in mergers and acquisitions really donâÄôt like it. Do you?” Not only will you display a keen interest in finance and allow them to tell you about their love of making money but also make a reference to “American Psycho,” a favorite film of all CSOMers.

Gentlemen, have you searched high and low for that gorgeous and smart woman of your dreams? Consider Murphy Hall the Holy Grail of Hotness. Step one: enroll in any journalism, communications or advertising course. Step two: attend class. Step three: swoon. Prepare compliments such as, “Wow, itâÄôs February and your Ugg boots are remarkably clean!” Inquire if they made the switch from AT&T to VerizonâÄôs iPhone. Pontificate about the “male gaze” in contemporary media culture.

If youâÄôre on the shier side, have no fear. Feeling lonely? Want to take a stroll? Call 624-WALK, the UniversityâÄôs premier blind dating service. Ten to 15 minutes after calling them, your date will arrive. They may not be your preferred gender, but they will be dressed in black, have an oversized fanny pack strapped to their thigh and look like theyâÄôre ready for a rip-roaring time.

Some good conversation topics are your schedule, how your friend thought about majoring in you dateâÄôs major, or if your date has ever had to open up their fanny pack. If you feel pressured to hold hands, do not fret. All dates are required to practice safe walking.

Perhaps you fall into a more mischievous category. Attracted to married men and women? Cruise over to Humphrey School of Public Affairs. Here youâÄôll find an older, more refined and âÄî of course âÄî taken crowd. Be sure to study up though. You donâÄôt want a MS-STEP while trying to MURP that MPP or MPA.

Of course, the subject of love on campus cannot be broached without mentioning Dinkytown. Long considered the intellectual and cultural center of the University, singles flock to Dinkytown on weekend evenings. Blarney Pub and Grill and The Library offer quiet and romantic atmospheres that nurture discussion regarding society, politics, economics and just how goddamned good-looking you are.

If youâÄôre in the market for a one-night stand, consult with your friends about which campus bar has the cheapest Long Island iced teas that night. Practice saying, “Say, werenâÄôt you in my history of rock and roll class?” to suave perfection. Also take note that Boynton Health Service opens at 8 a.m. Monday through Friday.

After reading these flawless guidelines, remember that youâÄôre the one who has to make it happen. If you donâÄôt find love today, you can find love tomorrow and the next day. If anything, Feb. 14 marks the halfway point in this hellishly cold month. Regardless, go out there! Be daring! Be romantic! Spend Flexdine!

 

Ian J Byrnewelcomes comments at [email protected].