From Kung Fu Joe: In response to Durand, you dirty bastard, I cannot top your story but I can come close. The only thing worse than gas from bad food is gas from nervousness, or nerve gas. Net: Or as it’s currently called, “American Voter Complex.” A time when everyone is a little more nervous than usual is when they are about to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Net: Or even a fiery, nonfunctioning airplane. Most people have the courtesy to wait until the door is open before they make their contribution to the world. On my last jump, however, I was lucky enough to ride up with someone who decided they would share with all of us. At about 10,000 feet he decided to gas the plane up. So when people ask how can you jump out of a perfectly good airplane, the answer that time was this: to avoid suffocating. Net: This could possibly have been the worst written letter Network has ever received. Remember reader, you’re seeing it AFTER we edited it! Maybe they should bring those standardized tests back for college entry?
From Fallout Girl: Alas, Net, I fear I just might be the only true “Simpsons” fan still left on campus. Net: If by “true” you mean disease-like fanaticism, you’re right. Yet again, I write in, in defense of those who can’t defend themselves. This time I write in to crush the opinions of the two who recently wrote in about the location of “The Simpsons.” It took me awhile to compile my evidence, but here it is. Net: We’re sure you didn’t put this much work into any college paper you’ve ever written.
Firstly, we have the idea of Nebraska based on a glimpse of Homer possibly writing “NE” in a box. First off, do you honestly think Homer would know his correct state abbreviation? Secondly, Nebraska is extremely flat, and to the contrary, some episodes have shown geographic conditions such as canyons. Net: Net’s top 5 geographical terms (listen here in order of preference): 1) Fjord. 2) Isthmus. 3) Laplands. 4) Polynyas. 5) Oronym. For example, there is the episode where Homer accidentally tries to jump across a canyon on Bart’s skateboard, which again proves they don’t live in Nebraska. Next, we come to the Tennessee idea. The most obvious argument would be that nobody on the show has a southern accent. Net: You know they have southern accents in Indiana. We know that was neither funny or witty, but with these kinds of letters it makes it hard for us to interject anything. Who’s to say Homer didn’t mean North Texas or any other possible acronym? Another piece of evidence would be in the episode where Bart gets a fake license and his friends and him take a road trip over spring break. In the episode, they call the city “Knoxville, Tennessee,” not just Knoxville, like someone from that state would call it. Net: We wish we were in Knoxville now. Anywhere but here. And if they do live in Tennessee, how did they drive through Branson, MO to get there? So where do they live? Answer: in some mythical state. Even if you strongly believe it’s one state, an episode will come along and make it impossible to live in that state. The point of the Simpsons is that they could be anywhere, anyone. “Springfield” is a very common name for a city. Net: Wait, you mean this is somehow some sort of artistic license taken by a maker of a cartoon show? You mean the show isn’t based on reality? On a related note, you know how in all those old “Tom & Jerry” cartoons Jerry made Tom go through the clothes wringer and made his teeth break by making him a cement sandwich? That can’t happen in real life either~! Oh, and Radioactive Man, it’s not that I completely agreed with Dr. Date’s compass simile, I just felt compelled to explain it. Net: Maybe you can be hired on as a Love Nurse.
From Worcester: Firstly, I’d like to wish the best of luck to the submarine crew at the bottom of the ocean. Being that the cold war is over, I figured it wasn’t unpatriotic to wish them luck. Net: It’s good to put blind nationalism ahead of human life. On a lighter note, I was just wondering where my invitation was to the block busting barbecue party of Mucous of Discontents‘, Net: Phlegm, mucous, whatever. and also, what is his secret ingredient to his barbecue sauce anyway? Net: You can say that the extra ingredient is missionary. On another note, would Doctor Date have any advice on how many fluid ounces I should take of Dr. Killmer’s Swamp Root kidney, liver and bladder remedy for my intestinal parasites? Net: Probably not, but we will: Drink the whole damn thing. Sorry, I guess I’m off topic again. What was I talking about? Net: Like we were paying attention. We just pre-write some witty interjections, and then randomly fill them into your letters, not unlike a Mad Lib.
From TooPhat2Party: Oh righteous Net: What is wrong with the Daily sports staff?! Net: We have a sports staff? They cover all these Gophers teams and give us the best of their skills, but sometimes they just don’t measure up. Net: So the ladies say. And in some cases, the men. Case in point, where oh where was the coverage of our 2nd Annual Polish Horseshoes tournament this weekend?! Net: This is obviously a sham. Everyone knows there are no horses in Poland. We go through the trouble of setting up eight two-person teams, piping in music, Net: We would have covered it if we knew there was polka going on. bringing out a lamp at sundown and even supplying a keg of beer, and we get not even one inch of coverage in this fish-wrap. Net: Apparently the sports department doesn’t care about our Polish community. Now, maybe the staff is unfamiliar with Polish Horseshoes. Net: But not with Polish sausage (wink wink). So here’s the skinny. Teams lob bean-bags from a distance of about 20 feet, trying to land them on an angled piece of wood. Now there’s also a hole in the center, and as you may have guessed, it behooves your team to get their bags in the hole. Net: Are you sure you shouldn’t be writing this into Dr. Date? You score a point for every bag you land and three for every one in the hole. So instead of giving us a report on these sterile varsity sports around here, how’s about featuring a game played outdoors, encourages drinking and does not take any athletic ability? Net: C’mon, we cover baseball all the time. The championship game this weekend featured Jock Itch edging the Poon-Tang Clan 21-20. Thrilling stuff. We’re too late for Sydney, but look out in 2004.