>From CrazyUnlikeAFox

Walking by Walter Library today, I was figuratively struck by the following haiku. It literally did not knock me off my feet. I apologize for the poor seasonal reference.

fear the black squirrel

for it controls the weather

fur as dark as night

Net: No, no, that’s really quite good. Maybe a little bit deterministic, but I think it expresses a certain zen ne c’est quois.

From I Bleed for Goldy

To whom it may concern:

Why would you run a slant on 4th and 2 when Minnesota has the thrid best rushing offense in the nation? Tony, you wouldn’t have done that would you??? On the flipside, why would you run the ball on 3rd and long, when we have wide recievers and tight ends capable of catching the ball. Thank you for a response. Net: Here’s your response, Mr. Whiny: You wouldn’t know football gameplans if one of them bit you on the ass. Are you ready to give 110 percent? Are you tough enough? OTSS! Only the strong survive!

From Robespierre

Whats with the wiener-fest on the Backtalk page? Dr. Date is depicted as 30 something man who plays with himself underneath a rather large lab coat. Net: Like most real-life doctors. Then there is the Network. Network is obviously run by male IT freaks high on their self importance and level 30 D&D characters. Net: Um, yeah, we haven’t played D&D since the early 1980s. And none of our characters ever got that high except when we cheated. Only crossword is faithfully androgenous, lacking the balls to speak for itself. You need more women! Net: Mars needs women! P.S. Thank God for the Onion, an actually funny periodical (unlike Citizen Hazbeen) Net: What’s with the whining in our inbox? Go back to Wisconsin if you like it there so much, with their “humor” and “beer.”

From PK

Whats up net? After watching Bret Favre and the Packers embarrass themselves on national TV Monday night I felt inspired to write some Haikus about some other things, beside the dirty Packers, that make me mad. Net: You know what makes us mad? All of this kvetching about our column. Here we are, trying to make you all laugh by insulting the weakest among you, and you never show us the tiniest shred of gratitude. We don’t even have a research assistant as Dan Savage. We have to figure all of this stuff out on our own, without the benefit of being able to snort cocaine off the asses of naked prostitutes as some columnists we could mention. Ingrates! Feel free to print whichever ones you want.

SQUIRRELS

Squirrels of the U

Simply the rat’s cute cousin

You are safe for now

Grey fat furry beast

sifting through the garbage can

I will hunt you down

Better fed than I

Some here may die of old age

Old age is my boot

BIKERS

Biker park your bike

Tight shorts, helmet of plastic

Always in my way

GO BLUE

Go BLUE you should know

I rode your mom like a horse

Dressed like a Gopher

Net: Did the saddle go on over the gopher costume? Or were you dressed like a horse who was in turn dressed like a gopher? We’re a little confused.